Rooftops - Julien Baker

The Conversation

Julien and I waved goodbye, while my dad was parked just outside. We sat  in the back seat and he mustered up some small talk. "How was it, girls?" He pulled out of the parking lot. "It was good, we made two friends." I hinted to him the deal was over with. His eyes shot to the rear-view mirror to meet mine. We had the same face, it scared me sometimes. 

"Can I meet 'em?" he asked, almost excited. "I can ask." I nodded. Julien seemed so quiet, ever since we left my house. I lowered my voice and shook her arm. "Hey, you okay?" I question with concern. "Mhm." She hums non-convincingly. "What's up?" I try to get it out of her. "Nothing, Ali. I'm fine." A fake smile flashes. I know her real smiles, they wrinkle her cheeks and eyes. This one wasn't fooling me. But, I decided to leave it until we were alone. "Does Mr. B know you're staying over?" My dad breaks the tension. I laugh. "Dad, don't call him Mr. B, oh my God!" I hide my head in my hands and a sliver of Julien's real smile peaks out, "Lord's name in vain!" he tuts. I hear her laugh, but I know it's not a joke. Dad and God were best friends, and it was like I'd just punched the man himself in the face. "Yes, he knows." Julien answers the question. 

We get to my room. It hasn't been changed since Dad first let me decorate it when I was 10 years of age. Still lavender walls, you can see I've enjoyed purple for a while. My throw pillows were dark purple, my lamp was indigo, the frame of my mirror was lilac. Julien joked that ''If someone is a purple person, you'll know, because everything they own is purple." and now I was starting to see it. She sits gently on my bed, rather than sinking in like earlier. I sit next to her, and she tries to avert her eyes so she doesn't have to show me what she's feeling. 

"What's wrong, Jul? You did amazing tonight, but you've been quiet ever since we got there." I finally address it. "It's fine. Let's watch Juno again, I'll get changed into my PJs..." She stood up to go to the bathroom. "I know you, Jules, you can tell me. I mean, you don't have to but I don't want you being unhappy alone." I saw myself in her and wanted to tell her the things nobody told me when I was upset. A silence creeps up, before she says a word. Seeing her like this hurt me, she was the light of my summer and now she was dim. 

"I wanted tonight to be...I don't know?...special, a you and me thing." She starts. Oh, shit, Oh no. I already know where this is going. "Then, you give two girls your number and barely talk to me all night, I just don't get it, am I not...interesting enough?" Julien turns back to me, pain visible in her face.

I want to say so much. I want to say: "I was just being friendly, I can have other friends." I want to say "Why are you only possessive now, we haven't talked about the kiss at all?" I want to say "My dad made me a deal, I get to see you if I make more friends." But I don't. I know they'll lead to yelling and falling out. So I don't. 

"You are more than enough, you are - probably my..." she wasn't my best friend, she wasn't my girlfriend, what do I say? "favorite person, like, ever. I am so sorry about tonight, but I should tell you the truth." I sigh. This intrigues her, and she steps closer. "My mom is worried about me being here, at my dad's all summer and... well, she wants me to stay with her which means - not seeing you."

The room absorbs any sounds of breathing or blinking. We both feel the noise of the hypothetical of absence of each other, it's not a pretty one. 

"So he gave me a deal, to make two new friends, which I did...but I forgot about who I was actually doing it for." I ramble, not looking up from my carpet. I didn't want to have to face her, not yet. 

"Who?" Julien raspily questions. I look up, at the answer. "You, Jules." I mumble. 

Her eyes turn from confusion to herself again. "You fuckin' idiot, Ali." she giggles. That was not the reaction I expected. "What?" I can't stop myself from chuckling, seeing her joyful again. "You faced: tracking down two age-appropriate girls, buttering them both up, getting contact details...just because you wanted to see me again?" Her eyes scrunched as her teeth took up the lower half of her face in a disbelieving smile. "You're making it sound like I asked them to marry me!" I shook my head, a wave of happy relief filtering in. She wasn't mad. She didn't hate me. 

"I thought you were doing that to make me jealous! You are so..." Julien couldn't finish the sentence, she was turning red from laughter and clambering over to sit beside me again. 

"If you haven't learned yet, Julien. I'd do anything for you." I took a more serious tone. "Gaybo." She insulted jokingly. I slap her playfully and remember. 

That's how the other night's happenings started. The kissing. 

A sharp breath stops me. Julien calms the laughter and looks up to me. She shuffles around and lays her head on my lap, the occasional giggle still escaping. I find a comfortable pause and decide to bring it up. Because, if I don't it never will. 

 "This might be a bad time..." I trail off. I know in my head that it's the perfect time, and it needs to be said. "No, go ahead." Julien's eyes glisten, unknowing. "The-...when I stayed  at your house, the other night. And we-...we kissed..." I held my breath as I spoke, my heart wanting to eat itself. My cheeks were growing hotter by the second, by both this situation and the picturing of us kissing.

 "What are we? Like-... us? Are we best friends?... because I don't think best friends do that. But y'know, you are my best friend I just don't know if we're only best friends. I mean if you want to just be best-" I let my breath loose, and a jumble of words comes out with it. Her hair slides off my knees and she sits up to face me properly. "Aliza." is all she mutters. I nod, waiting for the next sentence. 

She hesitates. "I like you. I really like you You are...you make me the happiest, kid-iest version of myself that I can't be with anyone else. I didn't want to talk about it, because I don't know... You're so cool with your...purple hair and your-" I cut her off accidentally with a laugh, because me being cool sounded like an otherworldly concept. "I guess what I'm saying is, you can have anyone you want so it's up to you." her hand walked up to mine and our pinkies danced. 

"I don't want anyone else, Julien. I really don't." I stress it.

My heart beats so fast, it's almost like it's just a constant buzz. And my palms are sweaty, and so is my forehead. My legs are fighting the urge move quickly. 

To run away from what I want. 

To sabotage it on myself, my lips shake with the urge to deny myself of having her. 

Why should I deserve someone so good? Someone so beautiful?