Rooftops - Julien Baker

Religious

Julien went off to change into her PJs. I sat on my bed, trying to calm my body down. What if we break up? What if it all goes south, and I lose my best friend?

Breathe.

What if I hurt her, and she hates me forever? My dad is going to find out. My mom. 

Breathe. 

I have to take the chance, she won't wait for me forever. I'm only ever a teenager once. But I only have one try,

Breathe. 

"We use the same conditioner." Julien barges back in, in a black tank top and flannel pants. "Then why is your hair softer than mine?" I roll my eyes. "Because it's not purple." She giggles. I sigh. She'll never know what goes on in my head, but she knows how to make it go quiet. I slip out my phone and type the most embarrassing series of words I've ever searched. 

How to ask someone to be your girlfriend?

I scroll through the results while Julien opens a fresh pack of Takis Fuego. I can smell them from my bed. 

Sweep her off her feet at the end of a romantic date.Write a memorable poem or letter.Sing her favorite song or dedicate it to her.Surprise her with food.Do a balloon pop.Create a fun treasure hunt.Slip a note into her favorite candy.

 They all seemed so dumb. A balloon pop? It's not a baby shower! Although the first three were decent enough. Wait...what if I did all three? Is that too much? I mean, nothing is too much because it's the thought that-

"You're not a great host." Julien sighed, crunching down on a Taki. "You left me with your Dad to watch the football game while you were at the grocery store. Two hours of my life Julien, two." I catch her back. "One time!" She grumbles. "Anyways, what are we doing? Painting nails? Makeovers? Conversations about our religious trauma?" I lock my phone and put it on my nightstand. Julien slithered over. "Oh, God they smell awful!" I gasp. "Lord's name in vain!" Julien mocks my dad. 

I go quiet. 

"Sorry...I just- slipped out." She chuckled dryly. I don't know how to reply. Julien was my safest place, and she'd just reminded me of my dad. How he reacted to me not going to church. How he would react if he found out about... us. "Well, I guess religious trauma it is!" She crunches. "Not on the bed!" I cringe, knowing there will be crumbs everywhere in mere minutes. 

"Your stance on God-"

 "Oh, we're getting right into it!" 

"You bet your backside!"

"Okay."

"What does God mean to you?" Julien asks philosophically, while in pajamas. It's a bit ironic. 

 I breathe harshly. "He...well I mean, it's more of a symbol...for a higher up." I shrug. "Mhm." Julien lets me know she's listening. "I don't know if I believe in Him, or any higher up or afterlife or whatever. But, I just think - it's all been pushed on me so much that I don't see the appeal anymore." I let out a deep sigh.

 "I still pray. When I do something really bad, or when I want something to happen really bad. I say, ''hey, I promise to believe in You and go to church and read the bible and never have...fun if you just let this one thing happen for me.''" I explain to Julien who has an expression on her face like she knows exactly what I mean. 

"And why do you think you pray, if you're not sure if you believe in him?" she whispers. It's getting late, but I haven't noticed. 

"Because...maybe. Maybe there's a chance he's real and all those - fucked up things happened for a reason, and it wasn't my fault. Maybe there's a chance I can be saved and be...normal and good and ideal." I reply genuinely. I see my eyes get blurry but I don't want to cry. "That's big." She touches my shoulder sympathetically. "Ew, Taki dust fingers!" I exclaim. A smile breaks into her soft face. 

"Sorry...I know this isn't fun. My dad just...ever since he found out about me not going to church he's not been talking about  - God or Christianity like he used to and I feel like I'm losing him by not believing or something." I get to my final point. Julien just nods. "Can we actually paint out nails?" I smirk. 

An hour later, it's early morning hours. Maybe it's the nail polish fumes or the eyesore sight of my left hand skills, but we're at the stage where everything is funny. Too funny. Dangerously funny. Seeing Julien laugh so hard makes it feel like I'm under the sun. She's so beautiful when she laughs. Her cherry face and lack of hand-eye coordination. The brief pause then gasps for air. And the occasional snort which brews up more laughter. 

Her hair dancing with her, moving with her strong arms and big eyes, 

She could be mine.

Mine.

I'll do it. Fuck it. 

Fuck my parents, fuck the friendship, I need her in my life as way more than a friend.

Tomorrow, tomorrow is the day.