In the Shadows

Part Nineteen: the Next Level

A happy hum rose out of me, which made Anthony chuckle. I leaned all the way back onto the cushion, he continued to follow my lead, resting his forearms on either side of my head as he kissed a trail up from my neck to my lips. My heart began to beat faster, but steadily. Parting my lips slightly, our tongues joined the embrace. I rocked my hips, arching my back to press my body against Anthony.

He breathed heavily, speaking with his lips still resting on mine, "Stephanie... You are so beautiful."

Shifting his weight to one side, Anthony cupped his hand on my cheek. Looking up at him, his gorgeous hazel eyes were locked on mine, I couldn't help but smile. He kissed me harder, I coiled my arms around his chest. His broad back felt so strong under my fingers. He planted another kiss on my collarbone, sending a shiver down my spine. The sensation was pleasantly surprising, a small gasp slipped out from my lips.

Anthony sat up quickly with a long, deep exhale. He ran his hands through dark curls.

The mood shifted so quickly. What did I do wrong?

    Anthony cleared his throat, scratching the back of his head. It was quiet for only a minute before I asked, "Is everything okay?"

    He looked at me confused.

    "I just mean- well, I thought that was nice. Did I do something wrong?"

    "No! No," he rested his hand on my leg, "Of course not. We just need to slow down."

    "Oh." My stomach began to feel twisted up again. He was as reassuring as always, but I still felt confused. Anthony reached for his glass off the table, taking another sip of lemonade. My heart continued to race with anxiety. I found myself wondering if he stopped kissing me because he didn't want to, or if he wanted more. Was it really that surprising to imagine a teenage boy was expecting a little extra physical attention?

    Cain's words echoed in my head: No one wants damaged goods.

    Anthony had made special care to remind me how much I meant to him, and he did wonderfully to make me feel wanted, yet I could not shake the feeling of inadequacy. My boyfriend remained seated in silence, unaware the speed in which I was overthinking. Deep down, I knew this wasn't a rejection, but it made me aware once more of the fear I had of losing him.

    Monica's voice joined the echo: He's only with you to try and get laid.

    If that was true, and I refused him, I may drive away the best thing I have in my life. Worse yet, I felt fear in the pit of my stomach over myself: Anthony was taller and much stronger than Cain, if he wanted something from me, he could take it too.

No! Anxiety has gone too far now. My Anthony was not that shallow or cruel.

    I forced myself to stop looking at Anthony. My gaze landed on the window, where I caught a glimpse of my reflection; biting anxiously at my bottom lip, fidgeting with my hands, slumped over in shyness. In that instant, I made a decision. Caught in this uncomfortable situation, the least I could do was try to have some control in it.

    "Anthony?" I asked, still looking away from him.

    "Yes?" His voice was warm and positive.

    I forced myself to say, "We can keep going. If you want more..."

Anthony's posture straightened. He turned to face me, his face looking puzzled.