Sarah Paulson Characters: Mental Health One Shots

Cordelia Goode x Reader- Fix you

request from Tumblr: ik you write these all the time but please can you write something with either of them- maybe Cordelia where reader struggles with some mental health stuff and finds her way to Cordelia again. love your writing it gives me so much comfort 

tw: mention of depression, mention of self harm, mention of suicidal thoughts, mention of insomnia, mention of disordered eating habits (please read with care🤍)

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Today started as another one of those days, trying your best but still not succeeding. As you sit in silence, the weight of the world bears on your shoulders like a heavy burden. Each of your breaths feel laboured, as if you are struggling to draw air into your tired lungs. Your once vibrant eyes, dull by the suffocating grip the raging storm of emotions have had on you lately.

As you glance towards the large window of your bedroom, you feel as if the sun streaming through it, secretly pleaded with you. Hoping to drag you out of this darkness that has been consuming you for a while. You consider it for a moment, joining some of the witches you see walking past on their way to the greenhouse, but you quickly abandon the thought, the darkness's grip on you too strong. The world around you blurs into a haze of colours and shapes, as if you are viewing it all through a veil of fog.

Every sound, every movement feels distant and detached, as if you're merely a spectator in your own life, watching it unfold before you in slow motion. Maybe it was due to the depression slowly sinking back into your brain, the anxiety crippling inside of your chest or maybe it was the insomnia. You feel so tired and you have been for days but you can't sleep, feeling like sleep was an old friend that you hadn't seen in a very long time. You couldn't pinpoint how long it had been, as every night you would spent tossing and turning while your brain fought wars.

Despite the efforts of those who love you, their words of comfort and concern, you couldn't tell them, couldn't show them how truly dark things had been. Yet you long to reach out, let them in, but a voice always lingered in the back of your mind, assuring that you are better off alone. One of the girls was surprisingly the first to notice, asking why you looked so sad all the time, Madison quickly trying to remind you that you had a lot to be grateful for. And of course the blonde was right, you got what you wanted but somehow it didn't seem like what you needed.

Born in a bloodline of successful witches, enrolled in one of the best academies for those with the ability of magic, some friends as you are quite popular in the academy, being older, wiser and part of the council by now. Eventually falling in love with the headmistress and supreme and despite you two not being official, you had her heart. And you knew that deep down, from the intimate moments you had spent with Cordelia, the whispered love confessions. But whenever your eyes laid upon her beautiful features lately, you couldn't help but think about how she would be better off alone, better with someone stronger, someone not losing a battle to the darkness. Whenever you see her smiling with one of the other witches, you think to yourself she is going to be okay.

And so you retreated to yourself, seeking solace in the solitude of your own thoughts, even as they threaten to consume you from within. Each day becomes a struggle to simply exist, a battle against the overwhelming tide of despair that threatens to drag you under. Feeling as if you are stuck in reverse. And on top of it all, you had to try your best to hide it, slowly the girls catching on, Cordelia constantly hovering and trying to squeeze the truth out of you, Zoe and Madison noticing as well, despite showing their concern in different ways.

And as you sit in silence, your eyes still lingering on the gardens of the coven, you catch a glimpse of your sunshine, Cordelia. Laughing and smiling so effortlessly with another blonde witch about her age, that a tear comes streaming down your face. You can't help it as they run down your cheeks, spilling from your tired eyes. Lately the thought had crossed you more than once whether you had lost her, something- someone so special that you could never replace. Of course you loved her and you tried to show her that every single day but you didn't know how to love Cordelia right now, when you had no love inside you, not even an ounce of love for yourself. And so you feel as if it goes to waste, the blonde slipping through your fingers right in front of you.