Sarah Paulson Characters: Mental Health One Shots

Wilhemina x Cordelia x Billie x Reader- Confessions in the dark, Part 2

request from Tumblr: hello🙋‍♀️, I was wondering, if you are still taking requests, could you do a part2 for the Confessions In the Dark fic? If not that's totally fine🤍

A/N: Hello 🫶🏻 this is truly some sad shit. But I did promise when I wrote the so yeah here we are. Please read this with care if you are easily triggered, this is some heavy stuff.

tw: mention of self harm, mention of depression, mention of anxiety, mention of medication, mention of suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, mention of being sick, angst, hurt

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They had patient with you, so so beautifully patient that it made all of this even harder. For days darkness had surrounded you, like a dark cloud following you wherever you went, raining down on your brain, the water droplets little thoughts. Little thoughts that would quickly turn into bigger thoughts, the same things repeating and circling around you mind. You had tried, tried so incredibly hard, to get up everyday, to manage for them, to breathe for them but it almost became impossible. Each breath felt like your lungs are on fire, your heart feeling so incredibly heavy in your chest, the sadness written on your face. As if every single thing about you had been replaced, your laughter illuminating a room, your kind heart and the way it beat for your girlfriends, your happiness.

After your confession to them in the darkness of the night, really only confiding in Wilhemina as she had been the one awake but also the one you trusted most that night for some reason, feeling an odd amount of safety with her, the redhead later filling in Cordelia and then the three of you filling in Billie, it had been hard. They listened so intently, so willingly and so lovingly. Through every confession, no matter how dark it was, holding you through every sob and supporting you every step of your long way. After the weekend, Cordelia had talked you into going back to the doctor's and she was so encouraging and hopeful that you somehow couldn't deny her, feeling you needed to get better for them, considering that they let you into their lives. You couldn't just wreck it all by letting them down.

And so the following Monday, you followed Delia as she took you to the all too familiar and scary practice, encouraging you to talk to your doctor before she spoke, choosing her words carefully as she knew there was a slight risk of having you placed somewhere and despite that discussion also being had between the four of you, she didn't want that for you. And so they had started you on your medication again, the same medication that you had abruptly stopped, causing you to be sick for weeks and you hated the idea of having to start all over again, the first weeks always being incredibly hard, causing you to lay awake at night as insomnia overtook you, causing you to barely be able to function throughout the day and only making your symptoms stronger. And you knew there would be light at the end of it, remembering your life before you had stopped taking them.

However the last week had been incredibly hard, to the point where you felt like giving up a few times, simply letting the darkness consume you and drown you in it's intensity. The doctor had mentioned briefly to your girlfriend that they believe you suffer from high functioning depression, which only made it harder for them to see, as you would still function throughout the day, giving classes, helping your girlfriends around the academy and taking care of them. They had no idea what was going on in that pretty little head of yours, as Cordelia would often say, making you chuckle in the process. You never struggled with getting out of bed, especially sharing a bed with them, despite not getting much or any sleep at times. You never struggled with keeping your appearance perfect, taking care of your hygiene, always carrying a smile on your face despite it being forced.

They really hadn't known what was going on inside, the darkness that truly surrounded you and had been, Billie even thought you had been better since taking the medication again, checking on you more often but whenever she found you, you would greet her with the biggest smile, the two of you often in light conversation when she returned from work and snuggling on the sofa, unaware that it took every bit of strength to remain so happy for her, terrified to disappoint them again. Cordelia knew, she knew you weren't truly that happy, she could see it when she checked on you throughout the day, lingering by the door as you were teaching classes, seeing the way your smile was forced, unaware of the true lingering thoughts and the only thing you being able to think about was how the coven and girls would take it if you suddenly disappeared. Wilhemina had tried her best, keeping an extra eye on your medicine tubs that she prepared for you, with days on so she could know you took it, always appearing near you around the same time when your medicine alarm would go off, checking whether you took it. Often glancing at your outfit choices and wanting to check your arms, sometimes her fingers trailing gently near your wrists to check whether it was the remaining healed ones or whether new pain lingered on your delicate skin.