Behind The Glass Door

Chapter 6

Lacy:

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I miss everything about home.

I miss my dog, my mom, my dad, my huge dresser with a mirror that had all my trophies sitting on it and metals slung around the edge of the mirror.

And most of all, I missed taking a shower in a room by myself without girls 'trying' to be quiet. We're two weeks and a half into the school year, how badly do you need that?

I'm not one to shame people for what they choose to do, but when I'm trying to relax my legs in hot water after I did two hours of leg workouts, I'm gonna shame someone.

It was annoying and honestly disgusting, do you know how many people touched those showers?

But the showers here were nice, with marble walls in the shower with marble flooring, gold faucets, handles, and drains. The doors to the showers were white with gold designs on the corners.

I didn't want to hear her, she sounded like if you put a moaning baby in a blender, she wouldn't shut the actual fuck up.

"Shut the fuck up, Ally!" a familiar British accent yelled, banging on her stall.

All of a sudden the noise stopped, and footsteps walked on the marble floor to the stall next to mine.

"Hey Lace," I heard Valentina say, a smirk in her voice.

"How'd you-" I began.

"Who else has a white floral patterned towel," she laughed, referring to the towel that hung over my stall door.

"You're right," I chuckled as I heard water turn on beside me.

"Thanks for that, the asking her to shut up thing," I laughed awkwardly.

"Oh mate it's every bloody year, I swear, she's the loudest girl I've met and that's saying a lot," she groaned.

I laughed loudly as I grabbed my towel, wrapping it around my body.

"Why, showing off experience?" I said, smiling slightly.

"I'm not trying to sound like a hoe but I'm just saying, she's loud compared to girls I thought were loud," she chuckles.

"Okay, I get it," I smiled, grabbing my shower bag, "Have a nice quiet shower," I smiled, unlocking my stall and walking out.

"I will," she extended the last word.

I chuckled to myself and made my way back to our dorm.

I walked inside and put down my shower bag, bending over and putting in all my hair products, which took a solid five minutes since I had to make everything precise, or I'd let it ruin my day.

The sky was dark outside, the only light being the overhead one and my bedside table lamp. I sat on my desk chair and put on my skincare, the excessive routine I begged my parents for so my skin would be flawless, yet it didn't work.

I paused in the mirror, looking up close at my skin and staring at it, the acne scars from when I was in middle school when I had a 14-step skincare routine just so I wouldn't get acne. I was on birth control and anti-bacterial pills for my acne, yet I still would break out.

The times I cried over and over how my friend's skin was so flawless and they never even washed their face. I just made the acne worse though, covering it up with makeup every morning, so much makeup.

I sighed and got up, going into my closet and getting a sports bra and sweats along with a pair of underwear, throwing everything on my bed.

I dropped my towel, sliding my underwear on over my legs and snapping them on my waist before reaching forward and grabbing my bra.

"Val, you won't believe it, he-" I heard Riley say, opening the door before I could cover myself, a loud shut being heard throughout the room.

Instead of being embarrassed that she saw me naked, I was embarrassed she saw my body. The body that's been tortured and degraded by so many people, but mostly myself. I wanted to shrivel up and die, disappear until she forgot about it. My eyes welled with tears as I slowly put my bra on, scratching the skin on my back with my nails.

"I'm so sorry," she said outside from the door.

I stayed silent, putting my sweats on and grabbing an extra-large hoodie before crawling into bed, facing the wall as the verbal shutdown kicked it and the feeling of not being able to talk filled me.

"Can I come in?" I heard her say, her voice distant.

I didn't answer, I couldn't answer, my body flinched and my words couldn't come out of my mouth.

"Lacy?" she said again.

I still couldn't reply as hot tears fell down my face.

"Lacy are you ok?" she asked, opening the door, I could hear her stop and glance before walking in and looking at my bed.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?" she asked, walking over and putting a hand on my shoulder before I flinched my body jerking the slightest.

"It's ok, it's ok," she whispered, pulling her hand away.

"I'm sorry for walking in on you," she whispered.

I shook my head slowly.

"That's not what's wrong?" she asked.

I shook my head no again as I felt her sit on my bed.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

I shook my head again and she gasped lightly as she became aware of what was going on.

"Are you having a verbal shutdown?" she asked.

I nodded and she relaxed, laying down next to me with her back against the headboard.

"Wanna type it out in notes?" she asked.

I shook my head again, holding my raggy childhood blanket in my arms, pressing it against my nose to smell it. It smelt like my old dog, Gypsy, whom I had for eight years but she died when I was eleven. I didn't realize how much I loved her until she died, and she took a piece of me with her.

She smelt like Fritos, oddly, but Fritos without the salt, like corn chips. That was my comfort smell.

"Okay, no problem," she said sweetly, "Do you uh..want a hug?" she asked, almost scared, reluctant to ask me.

I sniffled and shook my head, slowly, for the umpteenth time.

"Okay, that's ok," she reassured me.

I went to therapy after the incident, where I was told that I have every right to say no when someone asks to touch me, that I shouldn't feel guilty when I say no, that if someone touches me without warning, I'm not weird because I jump and flinch, it's normal.

We sat in silence for a while, the silence I needed before I whispered out.

"Sorry,"

"You have nothing to be sorry about, it's ok," I heard the sweet smile in her voice.

I nodded.

"I just got embarrassed. I mean like most dancers I have a bad relationship with myself, with my body. And when other people see it, when I don't know when they're going to see it, or just in general, I get scared, I get upset," I whispered.

"It's ok, I get it. It's scary when someone sees you in a state you hate seeing yourself in," she said gently.

I sat there, blinking before turning on my shoulder and looking up at her with red, bloodshot eyes and a tear-stained face.

"That's exactly what I mean," I whispered.

She fiddled with her hands, looking down in her lap.

"Yeah well, it wasn't easy the first time someone had to see me like that, I'm sure you get it," she nodded.

I choked at her words, coughing slightly.

"I uhm- I haven't-" I shook my head.

"Oh! Oh God I'm sorry, that was rude of me to assume," she rushed to say, an awkward smile on her face.

"It's okay," I nodded.

"I'm glad you feel a bit better," she said.

"Me too," I smiled slightly.

She glanced down at my blanket before glancing at me again.

"Well, I'll let you sleep, it's Saturday tomorrow so more practice hours," she groaned as she got off my bed.

I nodded.

"Get some rest, feel better," she cleared her throat before shutting the door behind her.

I truly don't understand why she keeps seeing me have a breakdown.