LOVELORN

40|Love & fear

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IT WAS merely a press of our lips together. A brief moment when I finally found out how soft her lips truly were. I hardly had time to process it before reality sank in and I jerked away, effectively putting distance between us and ridding myself of her gentle, gentle touch.

Zora's hands fell to her side and she stared at me, eyes wider than usual and lips parted. I scrambled for something to say and my words came out in a barely comprehensible ramble.

"I'm sorry I didn't...I wasn't...you, yeah. I just wasn't thinking and I shouldn't have done that and fuck, I ruined everything, didn't I? It wasn't...I'm sorry. Are you...shit. Shit. Let's forget it happened. It was barely even a kiss, let's just pretend it didn't happen. Unless you," I shook my head, slightly panicking. "Nevermind. It didn't happen. I should, I need to go home, I think. Yeah. Just say something, please."

I was a mess. A hot fucking mess. Who had leaned in anyway? It had to have been me, right? But she'd held my face and leaned her forehead against mine. It couldn't have been one-sided, it was impossible. Maybe it was a lapse of judgment, a moment of confusion. Maybe she just wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl. That was possible.

When her silence started to become overbearing, I turned to leave. Before I could, her hand touched my shoulder and I stilled.

"Wait," she rushed out. "Don't go. I'm just...I don't know what to say."

Tensely, I said, "There's no reason for me to stay then."

She shook her head, almost desperately. "Yes, there is. Just give me a moment to think, please."

"I don't know if I want to hear what you'll say. I don't know if I can handle it," I admitted, more honest than I'd been in a while.

Her lips parted and for a moment my mind short-circuited as I remembered I'd felt those lips, even if only briefly. Her eyebrows drew closer, her mouth closed again.

"Why? Why wouldn't you be able to handle it?"

"Zora," I pleaded. "Don't make me explain."

Letting her hand drop from my shoulder, she clasped my hand instead. "Please explain."

I'm in love with you. How can you not see it even now?

How do I explain that I couldn't handle her breaking my heart? If I didn't leave, I would do even more things I would regret. I'd already broken my promise to myself that I wouldn't fool myself into thinking she could ever share those feelings.

"I can't," I said in nearly a whisper, a hushed tone reserved for shameful secrets I didn't dare admit.

"What do you think I'll say?"

"I don't know."

The crease that had formed between her eyebrows deepened. "Then how do you know you won't be able to handle it?"

"Because I know what you won't say," I said, removing my hand from her tender hold on it.

"You're making assumptions now," she told me, sounding a little defensive.