Raat Akeli Hai

XXXIV. personal red forest

vanraj :

Next morning dawned in with uncertainity clouding my vision.
Last night, that kiss, it had left me almost baffled.
She should have ideally pushed me away and rejected me, insulted me and walked out of the house.

The Anupamaa I had started to know after our divorce, more so, after her marriage with Anuj - would definitely do just that.
Her boundaries were strong and cold.
The shell was impenetrable.

When Maaya had come around and Anuj had abandoned her, she had her walls strong and high - even with that emotional vulnerability.
But last night?
Last night she let me place my lips on hers?
In her senses?

I sat up on the bed, the clock struck fifteen minutes to five.
I rubbed my eyes, shoved my hair back, still in disbelief.
Was it just a dream? A fantasy?
No.. I could feel her tender lips against mine even now.

I gulped as I got out of the bed.
I dragged myself to her bedroom.
And I gently pushed the door open, careful to not make any noise.

Although, I knew she wouldn't wake up.
She slept like a log.
I still remembered the good old days, the way she would curl up in my arms, a hand around my waist. Even Baa's harsh voice from outside the room couldn't wake her up.
Very often, she would mumble in her sleep.

"Toshu ke Papa.. aap.. mujhe kabhi.. kabhi chodke toh nehi jayenge na..?"

And I would lay, a little stiff.
I wouldn't obviously leave her.
Back then, even the thought of divorce was impossible.
But.. her love.
It had pushed me to guilt trips.
I wished I could be honest to her, I wished she saw me for who I am - and not as a God.
That was until I went rogue.
After that, I knew I had simply shut my heart.

And when I opened it again for her, she found her happily ever after somewhere else.
I wasn't glad, though.
Probably that is why I was her villain.

I tip-toed down to her.
I carefully sat down by her on the bed.
She slept peacefully.

I truly was the villain of her life.
How did I even dare of hope she'd come back to me?
I had given her so much pain, and I had been angry because she rejected me?
Why?
Because I chose to get senselessly beaten up for her? Was that even half of the pain she had gone through?
Still an egoistic self centred man, wasn't I?

I stared at her from afar.
I felt my heart ache, a strange yearning took over me.
I wished to touch her hand, hold it tight in the rather darkened room.
Remove the strand of hair that fell over her face.
Although, with the passing years, she had aged - nothing could wipe off the innocence and purity from her face.

I noticed the ring on her finger.
Her heart truly was full of so much empathy and affection.
She had not abandoned, even the villain's gift and given the ring it's due.

I gulped.
I stood up and walked out of the room.
Her presence here made me want to love her, hold her, pull her close to myself and never let go.
Her anger too seemed like an attempt at misplaced love.
I desperately wanted to believe she wanted me.

I freshened up and walked into the kitchen, wearing a black shirt and trousers.
What could possibly be my redemption?
Death?
That too wouldn't be enough.

I started to make tea.
I had been helping myself and baa bapuji with tea for a while now.
That was the only thing I could possibly make.