The story of Zelda Collis

Chapter 8, THE ARRIVING PAST

           "In the shadows of our forbidden past lies the truth we fear to confront."

"I should do something."
"To calm myself down."

"This never happened to me. The urge within myself to be at peace. The conflicts in my head are trying to convince me otherwise. But I feel my will to be at peace much stronger.

"What can I do now?" The question is echoing in my brain.

"What if I meditate? Try to calm myself? But... What if the voice in my head will never allow me to do that?"

For the first time in my life, I'm neither feeling warm nor feeling cold. I can feel a heavy heart. "What rubbish am I speaking?"

"My head... My head hurts...."

I should go; I should calm myself.

I went to my room, sat in a vacant corner. I spread a mat on the floor. The room was warm and cozy; the rays of the mid-evening sun gave a warm effect. I kept my windows half open. I felt the urge for peace. I sat on the mat, took a deep breath, and everything faded... all the disturbances and troubles... they all faded. I tried to focus on the present, aside from every voice in my head. I focused on now, I kept aside all the voices, and I focused on the sounds around me. I heard the sound of crickets screeching, the sound of birds, the sound of clocks: Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick......

I had never felt so warm and quiet in my life. I could feel the flow of the wind from the window filling the room. I could breathe. I could breathe normally.

But... The peace would never stay long. The voices rushed back.

TOM....

I could hear the little boy's sound in my ears. His giggles... his cute smiles echoed in my mind. His deep hazel eyes looked into mine from the subconscious part of me.

I KILLED HIM.
I KILLED HIM.

I KILLED HIM.

"BUT IT WAS FOR YOUR DAD."

.......A war is going on... Me versus Me......

BUT I KILLED A LITTLE BOY.

"ARE YOU STUPID? YOU DID WHAT WAS MEANT TO BE DONE."

THE GUILT.....

IT HAS POWER OVER ME....

NANNY....

IT'S NOT ONLY TOM. THERE'S NANNY...

SHE IS HERE.

In front of my eyes... She's here. She is looking at me.

WHY?

It was all me. I did everything wrong, and look at me now.

The ghosts of people I killed are standing in front of me, and their EYES... Those eyes are looking deep into me. Their look is penetrating me.

THE TEARS...

AM I CRYING?

NO! I DON'T WANT TO CRY.

I SHOULD NOT CRY.

I TRIED TO OPEN MY EYES... BUT I CAN'T.

THEY ARE STILL LOOKING AT ME.

I AM TRYING.

I FOUND MYSELF STRUGGLING FOR BREATH.

I OPENED MY EYES.

THE VOICES. THEY ARE BACK.

I am trying to find myself, but I can't. It's the other side of me. I am never meant to be normal. This is me; always cold. The voices in my head are abusing me. I should not try to do this again.

I stood up from the floor; I wanted to calm myself, but it just worsened. I went to the kitchen for my dinner. I stretched my hand to take my phone from the shelf; accidentally I knocked off the vase, and along with it, some of the books fell. I picked everything up and put them back. The books were dusty. I should clean them all tomorrow. Among all the books that fell down, one is open. It's my old journal. I took it without turning the page. I don't remember much about writing all these.

I can read it, written as:

                               "DEAR DIARY,"

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