dear jacob

Dear jacob,

When will it be my turn?

It's been almost five years and I haven't taken a deep breath but once. For one fucking year, I had it all. I actually let myself believe I could step back and work on me. I lost weight, my skin cleared up, I smiled, I laughed, it was a summer of pure bliss. For one summer, I actually saw myself living.

I had just gotten out of the horrible two year relationship and I was on top of the world. It was the first time in my life that I didn't worry about money or bills. I actually thought it was time for me to enjoy my career and go back to school. I miss that summer. I call that summer, the summer of opportunities.

But I'm glad I didn't take any of them. I think it would have been detrimental to my ideology of success. I allowed myself to stay in this bliss and enjoy that feeling of comfort because there hasn't been many moments of my life that compared. For the first time ever, I was okay with a "boring life".

Had I known that you would make the most idiotic decision that would ultimately throw my whole life upside down, perhaps I wouldn't have allowed myself to fall in love with that boring life. Had I known that you would ultimately end up leaving me, I wouldn't have allowed myself to begin to trust you after so many years of trusting nobody. Had I known that I would be sitting here alone in what's left of my boring life, I wouldn't have allowed myself to see myself living once again.

After so long of not caring, I began to be afraid of death. But now, I am again filled with the familiar feeling of indifference when death walks with me in my dreams. I have welcomed death at my side like he is an old friend. But maybe, that's how I am supposed to be. Maybe, in the end, death will accept me kindly, because he has walked the paths that I have.