Let's Recelebrate - Book 2 (a Joshler story)

♡ CCI ♡

"Joshie, you want a question?" Steve asked. Josh nodded. "If you could tell your former self one thing right now, what would it be?" He read aloud.

Josh bit his lip as he looked down. "Uhm... I uh..." he trailed. "I- I'd tell him to... to not let people speak for me", he softly said. "Or... or let them convince me of something when I... when I don't have that... information or recollection of thoughts, myself", he said softly. "So to... trust myself more... believe my truth over someone else's truth."

"Do you do that now?" Lucas asked. "I try to", Josh softly nodded. "It's hard sometimes but I... I try to." "That's good, baby", Lucas said. "Uhm... Tyler, next one for you", he then said. "If you had the ability to erase something that you did in the past, what would it be?" he read. Tyler hummed, thinking about it for a few seconds. "Uhm... lie to my loved ones", he said.

"Ty..." Lucas trailed. "Your turn", Tyler said. Steve looked at Lucas. They were both wondering whether that was a dig at Josh, or not. They surely hoped it was not. They saw Josh look away and down to the ground, and Lucas' heart shattered a little more again. He looked at Tyler, but he also wasn't looking at him. He wondered if he knew what he'd said was out of line, and that he realized that now whether he had said that on purpose or on accident. Lucas still really hoped he didn't think that answer through soon enough.

"Uhm... Okay Lukie, here's yours", Steve said, not wanting to make it any more awkward. "If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?" he asked. "Oh... Well, it kind of depends", Lucas said. "Sometimes I just need to be in a bad mood for a while. Be sad or angry or stressed or whatever. But if it's taking too long... I really need someone to cheer me up, 'cause otherwise I'll lose my mind", he said with a soft laugh. "So... A little bit of both", he said. "Depending on the situation, too."

"Alright, you give me a question", Steve said to Lucas, who generated the next one. "What is the darkest thought you've ever had?" Lucas read aloud.

"Huh", Steve said, then he let out a soft huff, smiling softly for a second, but it wasn't a true smile. "That one's a difficult one to talk about", he said. "Uhm... I know a lot of questions are answered by me saying something about my past addiction, but... A lot of time and shit went into that, so..." he trailed. "So that's to be expected", Lucas said as he grabbed Steve's hand comfortingly. Steve nodded softly.

"When I was doing loads of drugs every time, I was... scared, and in denial... Stressed, sad, angry, lots of feelings that I felt. Lots of emotions", he said. "Drugs would numb that, most of the time... not all the time", he said.

"One time the guys and I were in Europe, specifically Paris... Lots of people got lots of great memories about Paris and I never told anyone that there's one memory of that city that is my least favorite. I try not to think of it too much but... After a show, we should be leaving to go to the next city, yet I sneaked out to go and find drugs. I... met a guy who had something I'd never used and I paid him for it and I used it as I was walking by the river. I... Something went really wrong inside my head, and the drugs didn't make me feel any better or any more numb. It made everything worse. I was getting sick from it rapidly; sweating but feeling ice cold, I was throwing up, my head felt like exploding, then all of my fears and worries were extra loud in my head, as if there were three or four people around me yelling in my head about everything that I did wrong, everything that went wrong, everything that would be going wrong soon..." he trailed.

"I was lying on the ground under a bridge near the river in Paris when screaming at my own mind to stop torturing me, while physically sick, while... While I was losing myself", he said. "Crying the whole time, and I didn't know how to stop it. My body felt so weak that I couldn't get up on my feet, I was going through it extremely badly. Uhm... It got so bad that I was genuinely trying to find ways to stop all of it, meaning... finding ways to immediately kill myself", he said. The others were quiet, Lucas had tears in his eyes, and Tyler and Josh's eyes were watery as well.