Shortness of Breath

Chapter Six

A/N: HEY ALL A VERY SPECIAL UPDATE BECAUSE ALL OF US QUEER FOLK CAN NOW GET MARRIED IN OUR CHOICE OF U.S. STATES! NOT JUST THE SOCIALLY PROGRESSIVE ONES WHERE THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS A WORKING BRAIN! THANKS FOR DOING SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE SCOTUS, THIS ONE'S FOR YOUUUU 

(Or at least 5/9 of you)

(The other four, you can go fuck yourselves)

*mic drop*

***
Casey - October Thirteenth

"So all three operations went well," I filled Hallie in the next day as we stood in the courtyard behind the hospital, catching up. "The kids are taking it well, shockingly well, and they're coming by in a few minutes after Cooper gets out of school to see him. So you know, Wilson's good, the kids are good...we're really lucky."

"And how are you?"

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You've had a long night, Casey, and an even longer day. Are you taking care of yourself?"

"Of course," I said emptily. "But thanks for caring."

"Never thank me for that," she said before kissing me softly as punctuation. For a moment I wondered when the last time had been that I'd been kissed the way Hallie was kissing me - as though she didn't just want to touch my surface, but feel me and know me and drink in every part of me. It was as though she saw me in a way I hadn't been able to see myself in a long time. Even with her eyes shut, she looked right through me with this earnestness and this sort of respect that I couldn't define and wasn't accustomed to. And maybe that wasn't how she felt at all, and maybe this was just a fling for her the way we'd both agreed it was, but that acknowledgement of brevity and frivolity didn't change the subtext of her touch any. And I wondered how long it had been since I'd felt such a sense of being wanted. Months, maybe? A year? Sixteen?

Her right hand touched my face, her forearm touched my collar, and then her knees touched mine as my whole body threatened to fall. But as we got closer in distance, suddenly I felt like I was getting too close mentally - too invested, too involved - for what we were and what this was. And then, like some snapping branch or clap of thunder, I was able to see my husband laying in a hospital bed after three successive surgeries, groggy from sedatives and reeling with pain. And after all he'd put me through, I felt this guilt grow inside me like this strong pair of hands that took hold of me and shook me hard to snap me out of whatever I was feeling.

And before my head knew it, I'd placed both palms on Hallie's shoulders and pulled my face away from hers. Her eyes fluttered open, wondering what she'd done wrong, and staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to clue her in.

"I, just..." I tried to begin, but it came out like a disappointed whisper and it was hard to continue. "I should probably go check on Wilson."

Hallie took a step back and used both hands to smooth her hair before crossing her arms in front and nodding. "Right," she said, with no show of hard feelings. "Of course. Go."

Not knowing what else to do or say, I just smiled apologetically and hoped that could be enough to fix it.

***

"What was it like? Did you see heaven?"

"Where did you get that idea, Cooper?" I wondered out loud.

"Tommy said that when his grandma almost died she saw angels."

"You should probably tell Tommy to hide his grandma's PCP next time," Emerson said from the chair in the corner.

"Well hey, Coop, maybe she's right. God is good for giving me my life again."

I cleared my throat, wondering where this had all come from. "Excuse me, Kirk Cameron?"

"So you did see heaven?" Cooper pushed.