An Enigma Is Too Much For A Cat To Eat

🚩Resignation

I'm sweating the bullets you'll load into your guns
But i'm not anxious, nor pleasured by paranoia
Suppose I've been grieving you since that Tuesday
Sad and beautiful, crying but standing taller
Than you have since that Tuesday

This is a letter of resignation
For the position of "Everloving Mother"
Shame, i'm sixteen and already retiring
Unrequitted babysitting is so tiring
No, I'm menopausal
No more teething on my nipples
My honeysuckle, I've given you all the milky nectar a flower can churn in one spring
You sucked me dry
No honeybees touch me
A dead hydrangea shurb awaiting the chainsaw.

Well, I am a landscaper, as my resume says, and I hold the pruners.
I am not your mother
You don't understand
I birthed all my plants with calloused hands, not unlike yours now
I first bled abreath a blood moon when I was 11
I carried you in my stomach, placenta attached, for 19 months
I read to you at night
I tucked you in tight
But I am not your mother.
And I can never be.
How am I bigger than you?
Stronger than you?
My Cadvaer wonders if you could even rape him anymore
For even he knows the lead he's made of
I am not myour mother, and you are not my daughter
A tragedy it is that no one reminds you to take your pills and roks you in a charred cradle and holds you while it rains
A true shame, classic Mitski-style, that no one washes your back
But I can do neither for you.
Hearing that you're a disappointment will loop in your head like my charli xcx record (the one you used to flip)
But you asked for honesty, you know how sharp my opinions slice
And a disappointment you are.
You say a life without me would be empty, but what have you done to fill that space sustainably?
I'd say your chronic illness is more just patheticism
Ambitionless, fightless, holding on to mediocrity nausea its unfathomable to you that anything more could be.
Belligerent, drunk speech that makes me nauseous
The screen door scheehing a pen, the dual click of your lights
Even Biael proving that he still wants to kill me
Cadaver and I, a fusion deadly nightshade, we don't know
what is kink and what you really think
Xeno, I belive you when you say you'd never hurt me.
Mar, mayhaps
But Cad is Biael's canvas, his Flesh
I don't know about you but I think they won't stop until one of them is dead
Believing your body wouldn't be able to control itself
Is the biggest disappointment of all
Believing Biael won't stop if I say "red"
A close 3rd
Your biggest disappointment to me, as has always been
Is your lack of catharsis
I did what every suicidal kid deems impossible
ANd i did it for you
Copy of Lolita in my hand, Azurite on my finger
You will never fully grasp the rage I felt in July
On my parent's Roku TV, 2:34 in the morning
Watching your account tweet about other women
I didn't know it wasn't you
I didn't kyet know about sparkle the way that I do now
All I saw was you, happier without me
ANd that betrayal stuck with me
DO you realize hat you told me to cut myself?
To burn?
You told me I was like your mother
You told me to starve, to purge
Love you or not and always I will
But you abused me.
The law doesnt care if I loved it, if I asked for it
DOes that make you any better of a person?
I recognize that I manipulating you, because I Am Cadaver
Did you even care?
I was too drunk to actually know
But I suspect that you were aware all the while.

I think
You liked me gaslighting you
I think it reminded you of your mother
Controling, obsessive, self-pitying, histrioni, narcissistic
Screaming for you to do it, screaming at you to stop
Letting the molestation happen, no safeword
Only anger that you hurt me
I was delusional, unstable, verging on psychotic
You say you stuck beside me because you loved me
Letting yourself rot because you loved me too much o leave is not patience
Not the kind I'll ever have for you, anyway
There are so many wonderful things about our relationship
You choosing masochism, your trauma, over the longevity of you and me is not one of them

I could keep living like this
Nursing you, entertaining our present, watching you rot
But I refuse to
I will NOT relapse for your sake
I will NOT keep unhooking my bra, lending you my milky nectar, letting you loan me every other night for all the sex in the world
I will NOT decline a call from the girl I love if we are sitting in silence
I will NOT cry myself to sleep while you snore, muted
I will NOT guilt myself for plating music instead of talking to you
And you will always be my baby but i will NOT baby you, dear man-child.