Short Story Competition 2024 [CLOSED]

Entry 11 - 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒎

Author: ManiFuori (Quotev)

Genre: Romance

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In the first paragraph you switch between tenses in the sentence 'As soon as Marcus saw Ava trying to hide her face away from him, he cracks a wide grin'. Please be careful! Switching between past and present tense makes the story sound off. This is a mistake I tend to make myself though lol.

There are some spelling mistakes, for example the words 'incounter', 'realationship', 'againest', 'hungary' etc.

By hydraulic did you mean a plumber? If yes, then Ava should be fixing a pipe, not a tube. I understand that this may be due to English not being your first language, but I just thought that I would point this out.

So Marcus saw that Ava was in the van with someone, which he waited in front of the next morning for her. When Ava left though, he wondered who Amber's mom was and filed a police report. I don't understand why he would do that if he knows very well that Ava lives in the van.

How is Ava angry with Marcus, yet her love for him just suddenly appears? I don't understand that either.

In the end Ava just forgets everything and stays with Marcus. How does she not know that he might just leave her again? He met her after so long in the beginning of the story, called her hot, then stalked her to her van, filed a police report against her child, but then everything was fine because he paid for her daughter's piano lessons. It just seems off to me.

Thank you for participating. I do realise that the reason for some of the mistakes is because you were hurrying to make it before the deadline. Keep on writing and thank you for participating (and making your entry on time lol).

SallyWriter :)