Pity Party (Post-apocalypse AU)

Chapter 8- Too many Feelings.

A dense silence sat in the air, nothing but the sound of Clementine's shoes occasionally hitting the floor as she bounced her leg up and down. She was sat on a chair in one of the back rooms, AJ in front of her, Violet next to her. They had all decided to set up camp in one of the lockable rooms, for extra safety.

She knew she wouldn't be able to do it so she asked Louis and Aasim to bury him. She didn't have the physical or emotional strength. Her mind was occupied, memory after memory running in her mind. 

Carlos, Sarah, Nick, Luke, Rebecca, Pete, Alvin, Jane, Sarita. Kenny.

All she could think about was them, how she watched every single one of them die. 

"So... Clem. Who was that?" Aj asked, looking at Clementine, a concerned look on his face.

The girl didn't look like herself, her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks stained with tears. And she just couldn't sit still, she couldn't keep herself calm. How the fuck do you explain to your child that the body they just saw was their dead father's.

"AJ..." she spoke softly, looking at the boy for a moment. "It was just a man I used to know, a long time ago" She lied, smiling weakly at him. She couldn't tell him. He had been through so much, and knowing he had seen his father like that, she wasn't sure he could handle it.

"Oh okay, I'm sorry you had to see that Clem" he spoke, hugging the girl. He's so sweet, definitely takes after his father. If only you could've seen him Alvin.

"It's okay, how about you just go play with Tenn huh? I need to talk to Violet" she said, kissing the boy's forehead before letting him run off to go play, shutting the door behind himself.

-----

"Clem, who was that?" The blonde asked, watching as her girlfriend lit up a cigarette. She knew she smoked, didn't exactly like it, but she wouldn't stop her. She knew she needed something.

Clementine was silent for a moment, taking a drag. "When I was eleven, I was with a woman named Christa. One of the days, a group of bandits found us, well, found Christa. She told me to run, and I did. I ran and ran until I passed out. Woke up on the other side of a river. I told you about Sam, the dog. Thats the same day he bit me. But eventually these two men found me.. Pete and Luke. To cut a long story short, they thought I was bit by a walker, locked me in a shed, i had to break out, and this man helped me. Well... He gave me a juice box." She rambled, a weak smile tugging at her lips. Violet just listened, watching the girl.

"He had a pregnant wife. Did everything he could to keep her out of harm... His name was Alvin."

Violet's eyes widened, looking at Clementine in shock "So that was... AJ's dad? Why didn't you tell him?" Violet asked, looking at the brunette. 

"I just couldn't. I knew he wouldn't be able to deal with it, no one should see a parent like that" Clementine spoke, cigarette held between her pointer and middle fingers.

 Smoking is a nasty habit she picked up years ago when she lost AJ. It was just something that helped take away the edge. She'd managed to cut down, only smoking when she needed something to help.

"Yeah... Will you tell him?" The blonde asked, watching as she took one last drag before putting it out.

Clementine shrugged "Probably not. Maybe when he's older and he can deal with emotions better. But... I don't think he can deal with that right now" she sighed shakily, resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. 

Violet's arms wrapped around her waist, hugging her into a tight embrace. She needed it. She'd be okay. She always was. But she had her moments, of vulnerability, of breaking down. 

A small knock came at the door, opening to reveal Louis "Hey guys, hope I'm not interrupting too much. Ruby's finished up dinner. And me and Aasim finished up the job. We're gonna leave first thing tomorrow" He spoke, smiling at the two girls. 

They both nodded, walking out to go eat dinner.

-----

Everything was quiet, the air held tension, it could've been cut with a butterknife. The only sounds that filled the silence was the chattering between the two smaller boys and the fire occasionally crackling and popping. No one knew what to say. 

Clementine had barely touched her food, she couldn't get the smell and sight of rotting, mangled flesh out of her mind. Whenever she tried to take a bite, it was like her throat closed up, refusing to swallow whatever little food she put in her mouth. She eventually gave up, pushing the bowl in front of the blonde "You can have the rest of this, I think I'm gonna turn in, it's been a long day" She said quietly, voice barely above a whisper. She stood, turning to find one of the rooms to sit and just think in. And none better than Carver's office. 

She pushed the door open, walking to sit in the big spinny chair placed at the desk. She stilled remembered Carver's speech to her, how they were alike, how she kept her nerve and was stronger than kids he'd met. She didn't want to be like him, he was an evil man, who took so much from so many people. But the thought did cross her mind.

What if I am like Carver?

She had become more short-tempered, violent when needs be, manipulative at times. Maybe she was like him. What would she do then? He did nothing but cause hurt and misery to those he encountered, she didn't want to do that.

She spent so many years trying to escape her past, trying to escape the person she was going to become, trying to escape the curse of death that followed her wherever she went. She drowned whatever feelings she had in booze, smoking, fighting, she didn't know how to just feel. She didn't know how to just feel her feelings and be okay with it. 

A sigh escaped her lips, her elbows resting on the rest and her head resting in her palms. She'd be okay. She always was. She just needed to suck it up and bottle it up, like she used to. She sucked in a deep breath through her teeth, huffing it out soon after as she stood, looking around the office momentarily. She slowly made her way down to the room they had designated for their bedroom, shutting the door behind herself.

She'd be okay. She needed to be okay.

(Word count- 1126)