a glimmer of hope

40.

Season 6 x 012 (continued)
(context: after season 6 but before season 7) BONUS ONESHOTS

three days later (after quinn's death) ———

i tiptoed out from my bed. the baby was fast asleep and it was dark outside.
i passed by the mirror in the hallway. my reflection didn't even look like myself. my eyes were all puffy.
for the past few days, i'd been sleeping in the guest room.
i couldn't bring myself to sleep in peter and i's room.
i lifted up the mattress of the bed and found the envelope peter had left me. it brought me to tears again looking around the room. the bed was undone and there were clothes of peters on the floor. everything was untouched from when i first packed to go to the lake house.
i looked down to the envelope. it was addressed cass.
i took my finger and ripped it open.
inside was a letter, a couple hundred dollar bills, and a ring.
i looked down at the few tears that fell down on my lap.
then, i took a deep breath, sliding the ring on my finger. it was a silver band with a small round diamond on it.
i pulled out the letter, unfolding it.

cass,
i guess we've been through this before. i'm back from the hospital with you and baby avra. i think seeing her born was one of the best things i've seen in a long time.
i love her. you know i'm not one for these sorts of things, but i think in the last few months, all my thoughts are slowly coming to me. i'm piecing my whole being together.
i think i always thought of a future with you. everywhere i went wasn't right and i found myself always coming back to your doorstep. one of my arms is being pulled to you and the other one is being pulled to the CIA. i guess if you're reading this, it means that the CIA won. i love you. i always have. there's something about you that feels comforting. i think it's the fact that when i'm with you i don't need to think about the CIA. you don't care about that stuff. when i'm with you, i feel like i can live a normal life. i want to do that when i'm around you.
all my life, ive had nothing, thats what got me into the CIA in the first place. you're my everything, cass. you're the light within all the darkness. and i'm sorry i let you down. i'm sorry i had to be in the darkness. i'm sorry if i pulled you into it. you know the CIA always eventually wins. it's fucking wrong. yet, it always consumes me. i always run back to it even though i want to run to you.
i know i haven't been able to give you anything. the thing is that you've been through it all with me.
words can't explain how you mean to me. you saved me, cass. when i didn't even think i wanted to be saved. i'm sorry i had to go this way. you're the most gracious, forgiving person i know. but, cass, i hope one day you'll forgive me for this.
there's a cheque of my life savings in the safe. a key to a storage room in washington and a ring for you. everything i have ever owned belongs to you. it's the only think i can think of to give you.
i know you know it. but, i'll be watching over you, loving you from up above forever more. everything is going to be okay now, cass.
i love you. 
quinn.

two weeks later ———

i eyed the stick sitting on the ledge of the bathroom counter.
it was positive.
i didn't even know what to think about it. .
"cassandra, i'll be in the car" my mom shouted from the bottom of the stairs.
"i'm right behind you" i said, hurrying down the stairs.
i looked in the mirror by the front door, buttoning up a black shirt. i slid my feet into a pair of heeled shoes, grabbing my coat on the way out.
my mom was waiting in a car with avra. i locked the front door and saw a delivery of flowers at the door step. i carried them in the house.
my neighbour was going inside her house just as i went down the steps.
"i'm sorry for your loss" she nodded
"thank you" i said
i reached for the door, sliding into the back of an SUV.
"nadia and lara are already there" my mom said
"good" i nodded, she rubbed my shoulder.
"i'm sorry, cassandra"
"i know, mom" i nodded
"i just want to get this over with" i sighed, leaning my head against the seat.
——
the memorial was certainly well attended. each pew was filled up.
i stood up, walking toward the front of the church.
i scanned the room of people. i saw my sisters, saul, carrie, max. a few people i didn't know. the president of the U.S.A was sitting here.
i looked down at my hands and back up again, taking a deep breath.
"quinn and i met each other almost six years ago"
"it's still crazy to believe that"
"a tall, mysterious peter came up to me at a bar"
"i remember i was having a really bad day, peter was too."
i raised my eyebrows
"while drowning our sorrows out, three tequila shots in i found out his real name was john"
"we both grew up in philadelphia and ended up going to the same middle school"
i shook my head.
"quinn and i didn't have the most normal sort of relationship though"
"sometimes days would go by without hearing from him"
"he came and went" i shrugged
"although, he always came back"
"there were many people in between the off and on of him and i"
"a couple years ago is when i realized i couldn't ever really get away from him" i smiled
"i found myself trying to find him in other people"
"it was the more recent years when i realized my love for peter"
"i know he's watching down on me laughing at what i'm about to say"
"many of you know him as the cocky, snarky, risky guy"
"but behind all that, the real peter was a reliable, funny, stubborn, smart man"
"he was warm and gentle"
"he gave me a sense of purpose and being with him always felt like home"
"a year ago is when he came close to dying"
"i prayed over his bedside every single day for months upon months"
"i never realized how much i really loved him until then"
"i would've done everything i could for quinn"
"i would've gone through it all if it meant a lifetime with him"
i paused, looking down at my feet.
"peter was sucked into his work"
"a couple weeks ago i wondered why he didn't just go when he had his stroke, he was so close to just leaving me"
"but then i thought of how selfish that was"
"peter went doing what he loved"
"everyone in this room probably knows that"
"he went with dignity and respect"
"protecting people he cared for"
"protecting the president" i smiled
"that's what he did"
"he was a protecter"
"and that's how i knew i would never have a lifetime with quinn"
"because he was born to do the work he did"
i shook my head
"as hard as these couple weeks have been for me, i'll always remember that peter is looking down on me"
"he's guiding me through all my beings" "because quinn was my everything"
"and i know he'd appreciate all of you being here today"
i tilted my head "he'd probably be surprised knowing that this many people love him"
"peter taught me how to be strong, resilient and trusting"
"he taught me how to be the light in spite of all the darkness"
"and sometimes i think where i'd be in life if i didn't go to that bar one day"
"i really don't know if i'd be much of anything without peter quinn"
"thank you all" i nodded
——
i got up out of the pew, my sister anastasia took the baby when president, elizabeth keane approached me.
she reached for my hand, which i shook.
"cassandra" she smiled
"it's an honour for you to be here today" i smiled
"please"
she wrapped me in a hug, rubbing my back up and down.
"i'm so, so sorry for your loss"
"and i'm so thankful for your husband"
"it's what he loved to do" i smiled
"he saved my life"
"i know he did"
"you have a new daughter?"
"i do" i nodded
"if there is anything you two need at all, please let me know"
"i know it seems like a stretch but i'm here to help you" she nodded
"thank you"
"i mean that"
"it's a lot to think about right now but, in a couple days, there will be a ceremony for him"
"i'm awarding him on your behalf"
"okay" i nodded
"i'll give you a call soon" she smiled
she rubbed my shoulder up and down "my deepest condolences go to you, cassandra"
"thank you, madam president"
i caught up to my sister and baby, walking outside of the church doors.
saul stood outside
"cassandra" he smiled, holding his arm out.
i hooked mine on his, walking with him.
"quinn was really something else" he smiled
i wiped a tear away from my cheek.
"yeah, he was"
"i'm sorry"
i shrugged
"it's a lot to process right now"
"i know it is"
"we all lost a really important person"
"you lost your person"
i nodded my head
"your speech was beautiful"
"thank you"
"i'm sorry our team couldn't say anything"
"i got to know him a lot during our time in berlin"
"we formed a friendship"
i nodded my head
"he was a private person"
"yeah, he was" saul nodded
"i know a lot of people must be saying this"
"but you have my trust"
"and if there is anything at all that i can do for you, i'm here"
"thank you, saul"
he wrapped me in a hug, sending me off to the car.
——
when i got to the event, max was leaning against the doorway.
"cassandra" he smiled
"hi, max" i waved
"i can't stay any longer"
"i just wanted to say my condolences"
"thank you" i nodded
he paused
"when the team was in islamabad someone i loved died at the attack of the embassy"
"farrah" he smiled
"a terrorist held us captive and killed her right in front of me"
"i'm sorry" i nodded
"just, i know how it feels"
"how unfair the CIA is to people" he shrugged
"quinn was the only person i've worked with that really understood what i meant"
"i mean, our work is horrible"
"killing so many people"
he shook his head
"he wasn't okay with it"
"it felt like us two were the only real people"
"there were so many times he wanted to quit" i smiled
i shook my head "something kept pulling him back"
"as much as i hate it, i'm stuck"
"there's no way out" max shrugged
"i'm sorry, cassandra"
"thank you, max"
"quinn was incredible at what he did"
"he was a good person"
"he loved you too"
max rubbed my shoulder before stepping down from the doorway.
i gave him a smile before heading in myself.

we had a few people over at an after venue. quinn's burial was going to be held in virginia in a couple days when his award ceremony took place.
i held onto a cup of tea, walking over to the corner of the room.
"that was beautiful, cassandra" carrie smiled
"thank you"
"sorry i couldn't say a few words"
"it's okay"
"are you doing okay?" she asked
"dumb question" she added, waving her hand in the air.
"my mom flew in a couple days ago, said i looked frail"
"yeah, well it must be hard to try and get up and live"
i nodded my head
"i had no idea you knew each other that long"
she raised an eyebrow "and got married?"
"we got married after the shooting at that lake house"
"he figured if anything happened to him i knew what he wanted"
"because of berlin?" she asked
"yeah"
"i'm sorry"
"yeah"
"i miss him"
"but i know this is how it's supposed to be"
"yeah, quinn wanted to go"
"he saved my life" she smiled
"and the presidents"
i nodded my head
"cassandra, if there's anything i can do at all, let me know"
i looked down at my feet and back up at her, tears welling up in my eyes.
"i'm pregnant again"
i threw my hands up in the air, then wiped my face.
"maybe it's really a sign from him"
"god, cassandra" she said, wrapping me in a hug
"i'm happy"
"it's just so soon"
"i know"
"i'm trying so hard just to take care of my baby"
"i feed her, i change her diaper"
"but i can't bring myself to do anything else"
i wiped a tear from my face, again.
"everywhere i look, i see quinn"
"if i go in my room, i see him"
"and i'm a fucking nurse"
"i didn't know i could get pregnant this soon"
"i have a month old"
"and i just don't know how i'm going to do this without him" i shrugged

three weeks later —————

the other day, max came over to check on me. carrie sent him.
i guess, they both were moving back to DC.
i wasn't really up to much. i was numb now, couldn't really feel a thing.
i went into the bedroom and found a book in the back of the dresser drawer.
i walked it over to the bed because it looked like there was an envelope in it.
i opened it and pulled out a stack of pictures.
the first was peters son and his old girlfriend. the back was marked johnny jr.
the next couple were of peter as a child.
one with his mom.
those days of numbness finally came out into tears again.
all of the people quinn loved.
i gazed into the picture of peter and i.
the last one was of me with avra.
quinn's smell still lingered in the bedroom. his things were all around.
little things like this were reminders of him.
of who he loved in life.
my head fell into my lap as my chest caved in. tears flooded on my flannel pyjama pants.
this last month was the end of my world.
peter always left but everytime i knew he'd come back.
i see him in everyplace but this time, i can't catch him. he's gone.
but maybe he was right, maybe this all was one big glimmer of hope.