a glimmer of hope

39.

Season 6 x 12
America First

"cass"
"i saw the news, glad you're alive"
"yeah, i'm alright"
"carrie too?"
"we're both fine"
"i think i'm gonna read that letter soon"
"you do that, quinn"
"i love you, cass"
"yeah, i love you too"
"i gotta let you go, okay?"
"stay safe, quinn"

i had just woken up from my afternoon nap. i fed the baby before my phone started ringing.
i picked it up.
"hello?"
"cassandra"
"carrie, are you okay?"
she was crying on the other end of the phone, sirens going off. she sounded out of breath.
"have you turned on the news?"
"no"
"outside the senates office down fourth, you need to come"
"why, what happened?"
"don't turn on your tv"
"just come"
my stomach had dropped and a wave of something not good flew over me.
i took a deep breath "carrie"
"cassandra, it's quinn"
i hung up the phone, carrying the baby outside of the house.
before i could get any thoughts into my head, i just drove.

i felt lightheaded as i got closer and closer to the scene.
"it's quinn"
"it's quinn"
"it's quinn".
i focused on my breath. as i got closer, my breaths quickened.
fuck, cassandra
three suvs were on fire and one had dozens of bullet holes through it.
carrie stood by a police officer near the sidewalk.
"don't do this to me" i begged
tears had already been falling down my face.
"cassandra" she sighed, wrapping an arm around me.
"he told me that he loved you more than anything and there's an envelope for you under the mattress"
fuck.
"carrie, don't do this to me" i cried
"i'm so sorry, cassandra" she hushed
i wiped a few tears from my face.
"i want to see him"
she nodded her head, walking me over to the shot-through car.
"fuck"
"you're not allowed on this scene" the officer said, near the car.
"i'm his wife" i whispered, bouncing the baby up and down
"i'm sorry, ma'am" the officer nodded, opening the car door.
i let out a gasp, looking at the bloodied, shot through peter.
"oh my god"
a tear fell from my face, then another.
carrie took my baby from my hands and i held onto peters.
it was just like when i was sitting by his hospital bed. when i held onto him, nobody held back. his hand was cold and his skin was going pale. i ran my hand through his hair and across his face. blood pooled from out of his mouth. i couldn't control my tears from falling down my face, so put my head into his lap, sobbing.
the past few weeks had been rough.
fuck, the last year.
peter hadn't just died now, he died back in berlin. back when he got shot the first time. i could sense this coming for the past year. it didn't make me feel good knowing that it was here now.
in fact, today was the day my world ended.

i looked over to see the letter i wrote to quinn falling out from his coat pocket. he read it.

quinn,
a year ago when i read the letter you wrote to me before you went to syria. something hit me and it's never left my mind since then. when you woke up from your coma i felt guilty. i had a selfish sort of feeling. even though i didn't have a say in what happened to you. it was all the CIA trying to keep you alive.
all carrie.
i felt like i kept trying to force you to love a life you never wanted to live. i made you make choices that you never would've wanted to make. i'm sorry for that.
everyday i would pray above you. i couldn't let go of you so soon. at that point, my whole entire life was on fire and the only one who could save me was you.
you did. we got married, had a baby and lived normally for months. that was the happiest i could've ever been. i know there was a voice dragging you back here, though i read it in that letter. i know it's what you wanted. it's how you lived for your whole life.
even though you thought it wasn't what you wanted. you were made for it. the hardest thing i've ever done is letting you go. because looking back on it, it's obviously something i've never been able to do. i tried living a life without you in it. it didn't work.
i ruined my whole life for you and i'm glad by it. i know this is all for the best, though.
if you love someone set it free, i guess. and even if you don't make it out of this, i know you went doing what you were meant to. i got what i needed and i loved you every step of the way. i will continue to do that for the rest of my life and make sure our daughter knows that too.
i love you quinn, i always will. you're my forever. my shining star in the sky. the reason i'll keep going.
i love you.