a glimmer of hope

38.

Season 6 x 11
R Is for Romeo

i opened my eyes.
the baby was still asleep but i knew that wasn't going to last for long.
one of quinn's arms draped on top of me last night. he was already up now, looking across the street again. i think it was not that long ago when he woke up.
i eyed carrie, sleeping on the floor a few feet away from me.
quinn turned around, looking at me.
"they're on the move?" i whispered
he nodded his head
i looked down at my lap, then back up at him.
i took a deep breath, going closer to avra.
carrie woke up.
she stood up, yawning, then looking around her.
"where are you going?" she asked quinn
"they're on the move, the vans still in there"
"look, i'm sorry" she said
"what you said last night, in berlin"
she looked at me
"it was true"
"and i knew i shouldn't of done that to you"
"and i feel horri-"
"carrie" quinn interrupted.
"i don't want to talk about it"
she nodded her head
let's just say, things didn't end well last night. carrie got irritated, wondering what happened for quinn to be here. quinn got mad at her, rightly so.
"you're not going to that house"
"i have to"
"i'm not letting that"
"god knows what could happen"
i looked at carrie blankly.
part of me knew this was gonna be time.
"could you give us a minute?" peter asked
she nodded her head, stepping back.
i picked up the baby from her car seat, walking toward the door.
"peter" i started
"cass" he smiled, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.
he placed his hand on the baby.
just that brought me to tears. so much pent up emotion spilled out from me.
"you have to let me go" he whispered
"i know" i nodded
"i love you" he breathed
"i love you too" i smiled
"everything is gonna be okay after this"
"i trust you, i always have"
i looked at him before remembering.
i took my hand and unzipped my coat, reaching in my pocket.
i pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to him, shaking my head.
"i have a feeling about this"
"so, i want you to read this letter"
"and if everything's fine?"
i wiped my face.
"then you come home to me and your baby"
he planted a kiss on avra's head then, on my lips.
"i'm gonna go now"
"read it?"
"i promise, cass" he nodded .
after he closed the door, i backed up, wiping another one of my tears.
"here's the code to the security system" i said, handing a small slip of paper to carrie.
she looked at me blankly again.
i had no choice but to let him go.
he wasn't made for normal shit, this is what he did. what he was made for.
——
i held onto the steering wheel, turning off the radio. i drove down a long road, looking in the rear view mirror. i saw that avra was sound asleep. when i saw my relection, i broke down.
"fuck" i whispered, wiping a tear away from my face.
i looked to the side of me as i drove into the city, a few tears quickly turned into sobs.
everything had caught up to me now, spilling out, finally.

i set down avra in her crib, i couldn't believe she was two and a half weeks old. she was changing so quickly already.
i tiptoed down the stairs, switching on the tv as i looked in the fridge.
"reports of bombing at a national security safe house, 5 fbi agents and investigators killed" the report said
i turned around, sitting down on the couch.
"fuck, fuck, fuck" i groaned, looking for the phone.
the house on the tv was the one i left this morning.
quinn was in there.
i dug through the diaper bag, nothing.
my purse, nothing.
finally, i found my phone in my coat pocket.
my hand was shaking as i tried to dial quinn.
the phone rang for what felt like forever.
"god please" i begged
"i need you"
"fucking pick up, quinn"