𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

i wish you were a girl / / teddy lobo

ship/pairing: Teddy Lobo x male!reader

fandom: renfield

warnings: swearing, internalised homophobia, mentions of reader having sex, homophobic slurs, mentions of fisting, mentions of blowjobs, asshole behaviour, mentions of decapitating, mentions of suffocating/strangling, unsatisfying ending, mentions of vomiting, cringe, extremely out of character, barely proofread

word count: 1101

A/N: for any fem readers seeing this, this is a mlm oriented one shot

"I wish you were a girl. I wish you were a fucking girl."

The words hit you like a cinder block. This isn't new information, he's implied it on multiple occasions. But hearing the confirmation, hearing the words come out of Teddy's mouth invokes a pain you've never felt before. You don't even know what to think. You're pissed at first, summoning your best poker face as rage bubbles in your chest. You wish he wasn't a whore who couldn't go one day without fucking some girl he met two seconds ago. You wish he would go to therapy once in a blue moon instead of using you as his personal punching bag. You wish he didn't have you suck his dick or fist his ass till his eyes roll back while he calls you a fag and whines about how he feels so disgusted with himself for finding you attractive. But you don't throw that in his face, do you?

Your rage fizzles down as he stares at you, a rare, vulnerable look in his eyes. When you're not angry, you're left with the dreadful feeling his words give you. You despise yourself for it but for some reason you want him to love you. You crave any crumbs of his attention, whether it's good or bad. You wanna be everything he wants. Which you now know, is not you as you are. You wish you were a girl too now. To some extent at least. You've had the displeasure of seeing how he treats the women he fucks. Or rather the lack of treatment. You've heard him say countless times how he ghosts whatever poor woman he was with as soon as he gets soft, as if it's some kind of brag. At least he's talking to you. Would he treat you any better if you were a girl? He's kept you around for longer than he's been in a relationship (if you can even call it that) with a woman, so you had to be doing something right. But Teddy Lobo is the most unpredictable person you know. Some of the things he does and says makes you want to decapitate him, carve out his brain and study it. Or shrink him down to the size of a mouse and send him in a maze and study his every movement. Or grab him by the shoulders and shake him to see if he bubbles up like a bottle of soft drink. Would doing any of these things give you any of the answers you want? Who's to say? What you do know is that it's been too many seconds since Teddy spoke, and the silence might be indicating that he wants a response.

How the fuck are you meant to respond to that? You know you want to respond by suffocating him with a pillow and leaving, but that may not be the correct response. Is there even a correct response to this? Probably not. But the last thing you wanna do is sit in silence until Teddy gets bored and asks you to shove your tongue down his throat while you stroke his cock. Or something.

"I know." you look down. The last thing you wanted to do was look at him.

"Yeah?" he says softly. In his defence, how was he meant to respond to that?

"I-" you go to stop yourself from speaking, your mind racing with different possibilities of his reactions. Once again, Teddy's unpredictability was not working in your favour. With a quick decision, you decide you don't care how he'll react. If he was gonna put you in an uncomfortable position, why couldn't you do the same? "I wish that didn't bother me so much... I wish I wasn't so hung up on what you thought of me." As soon as the words leave your mouth you want to throw up. You think of all the different ways he might respond. Look at you weirdly, disgusted by the sudden vulnerability. Call you a fag. Degrade you in some way. Or just completely ignore it and ask you to fuck him. You definitely don't expect his response.

"You care what I think of you?" he asks, not in a bashful, 'Jason the popular sports guy who all the girls want likes that I read books/skateboard/partake in a slightly niche hobby and don't wear makeup' way, but genuinely surprised. And a little confused. As far as he was concerned, he was just an afterthought in your life, and you just stuck around either for the sex, for protection, or out of fear of him and his family. He'll admit that it makes him feel powerful that he could have such an effect on someone. Especially you.

"Yes." You want to strangle him. Here you are carefully analysing your thoughts and he's blissfully unaware of your feelings. It's not like you shout every thought you have at him but you figured he had to have a fraction of a clue that he was making you feel this way. "Fuck you for that by the way."

"What do you mean- why?" you almost forget that he's part of one of the most powerful crime families when you hear how desperate his voice sounds.

"Why? You've ruined my life."

"No, why do you care about me?"

"I never said that."

"But you do." he says, way too confidently and you're almost embarrassed that he's right, "Why?"

"Because sometimes, some people grow attached to people they constantly have sex with."

"Yeah but I'm a fucking asshole to you."

"Yeah that's not news. But I don't have an explanation for why I feel anything for you."

Teddy doesn't say anything. It's unusual, him being so quiet. You can tell he's thinking when you look at him, like he's actually thinking before speaking for once. That too is unusual. And right now you have no desire to find out what he's thinking of saying. You clear your throat and begin making your way to the door.

"Are we done here? Cause I... I think I'm gonna go..."

His mouth falls open, and there's a moment of silence before he mutters a nonchalant 'uh-huh'. You nod, and push open the door, about to leave when he stops you.

"Wait." you look at him. He's trying so hard to look like he doesn't care. Like he's not affected by what you've said. He meets your eyes, before immediately looking away, "Um, never mind... I-I'll see you around."

You nod hesitantly, mumbling a goodbye as you shut the door behind you.