If only...

39. grateful

The papers were an agreement not to hold the hospital any responsibility if something happened to Mon, according to what I understood from Dr.William mon condition worse than I thought. 

When they took Mon into the operating room, I felt my heart break into pieces ...The fact that she might not come out alive was suffocating me.... it was painful...
I don't know how to describe to you what I was feeling, but I couldn't cry or scream or anything. I was numb and in pain, and for a moment I didn't feel the voices or people around me while I was sitting on the hospital floor in front of the operating room, hugging my knees and thinking about everything  bad things I did so God put me in that position. 
I knew that I was a bad person and that I deserved the god curse... but not Mon....I was praying to God to punish me however He wanted but not Mon.

The operation lasted for 7 hours. I was sitting and waiting in front of the operating room, putting my head between my knees and waiting for Mon to come out a live.

My friends and family knew what happened and they came to the hospital, but I was not able to talk to them about anything. It is good that the police and Dr.William were there To answer the questions.

after waiting for hours that seemed like an eternity, the operating room door opened and one of the doctors came out, looking tired and worried.

" Please tell me she will live."
  I said that while trying to prevent the tears that had gathered in my eyes from falling.
Everyone was standing behind me, waiting for the doctor’s answer with anxious.

" We did what we could, but the bullet was deep.
We were able to stop the bleeding difficulty, but the bullet caused damage and her body is very weak.
I can't promise you anything, but let us pray that she is strong enough to survive...I will not talk about the details of the problems she will face, but for now let us pray that she will pass the danger stage and wake up."
The doctor said that, leaving me in shock. I could hear him talking to Dr.William and my father who was there trying to help, but my mind was trying to interpret what the doctor said!!...

Does it mean that she will have problems even if she survives?
It doesn’t matter. I am ready to take care of her and complete any Deficiency happens. As long as she is breathing and her heart is beating, everything will be fine.

Two weeks after the operation, Mon still has not opened her eyes or shown any sign of improvement.

I remember well that everyone began to doubt that she would wake up one day... Even the doctors said that she was not strong enough, her body was weak and I had to accept the idea that she might not wake up one day and move on with my life and take care of my health and blah blah blah ....but they were like buzzing flies to me.
I was ready to wait for her until my last breath.

During that weeks, her friends came to visit her and Selena as well, but no one dared to say anything because I was in a miserable state already and it was obvious to everyone. I could see blame and hatred in their eyes, and I did not blame them, especially in rose eyes who would come and sit next to mon for one or two hours sometimes holding her hand, she kisses it and cries as if Mon was more than a friend to her... And yes, Mon was not just a friend to Rose. Mon was the impossible love for Rose and she always blamed me for her loss... I was ready to accept any blame. I would give up anything, but I would always strive to win Mon heart, and Rose knew that so she was need to acceptthat.

In the third week, the doctors started saying their expectations and negative thoughts out loud, as if they were trying to convince me not to accept the situation they thought they understood  But I wasn't buying what they said Even if it was true...I wasn't thinking about losing hope for Mon.