I HEAR YOU

XXIII: CALVIN

3:00.

My alarm croaked at 3 am but I didn't wake up. I wasn't asleep. I couldn't. Not even the swift cold wind sneaking into my room could lull me to sleep. Even Josh's even breathing can't chase away her face. Even when I curse her as much as I could, I can't curse her more than I curse myself every time I think of her. If seeing her can't be helped with the way things are, at least she should keep out of my mind. But I couldn't stop thinking about her especially when I saw how she looked earlier.

She was scared. She's not usually scared. She's a brave soul. Carl always says that she's free spirited and that someone has just clipped her wings and made her flights short and heavy. But I didn't mind what Carl had always said unti I saw it myself. I saw how brave she was. She could run miles with you even when a bit more looks like a death trap for her. She could challenge an accursed island and debunk myths just for what she believes in, and what she fights for.

I winced at the last thought. It took me back to the time we had our first tradition. It's not a very inviting thought to have at this time of the day. I groaned. This is probably worse than getting visits from ghosts at 3 am. I'd prefer ghosts than her.

Well. No. I don't.

Maybe?

Ugh! Fuck this!

I stand up and look at the small frame cuddling a big pillow, Josh has slipped into my room last night. I carefully scoop his body and carry him out of my room. When I softly closed the door, I realized that Steve hasn't called me out like he usually does when he catches me carrying Josh back to his room. We didn't get to share our usual silent conversation in the garden last night as well, even Josh only had cake for dinner and eventually fell asleep in the living room waiting for them to come home. They've been out most of times these past few days and Josh had to take the school bus when no one can take him home. And now, I swore my way through cooking dinner.

My mother should have known better. She shouldn't just leave a kid all on his own without preparing a decent meal for him. Tch! So much for family. She may be allowed to get depressed around me, but not with Josh. She's not permitted to do that. And I hate her for doing these things again with the family she wished so hard for me to accept. I sighed and watched Josh get comfortable with his own pillows and make my way back to my room trying to bury the words that are prying my mouth open to be spoken.

I don't want to think anymore.

I lay back down on my bed with my eyes refusing to close for sleep. 4:00, the clock says, and all I can still think about is the tears and the fear in her eyes. Was I too much? Maybe Dan's right. Maybe I'm taking things too far. But she's not shown regret at all. Or at least recognition. All I could get from her is her polite and kind ways. Maybe I scared her? The fear's just too foreign on her face. I don't remember a time she looked that scared.

Oh.

Yes.

I do.

Once.

It was on my 13th birthday.

The day she asked for a miracle.

"I want a miracle." She propped her head on the arm of my chair. Her eyes casted down on its writings, her fingers trailing the deep and uneven scratches and lines. "What?" I was surprised she'd asked me a strange request. "I'm not a God." I laughed as I told her that but she slapped my arm rather hard and I yelped at the sudden attack. She was glaring at me and I was fighting my smiles trying to wound its way on my lips. "I'm serious." She crossed her arms and looked at me.