I HEAR YOU

IX: CALVIN

“It’s late,” I stopped at the voice of my mother.

“Where have you been Vin?,” she padded in the living room wearing her gold silky nightgown. She looks fancy in her eyes but for me it never did suit her. It was too flashy.

“School,” I shrugged and headed to the kitchen.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge I rushed towards the stairs.

“Josh was looking for you,” and it’s not news anymore.

Josh always looks for me. Since the first day we met, he looks at me like I had given him candy since he could remember. He looks at me like he looks at Cartoon Network. He looks at me like I bought him his favourite Marvel hero.

“He shouldn’t,” I answered nonchalantly.
And it’s true. That kid may just be four years old but he needs to learn it the hard way. He shouldn’t lean on people. It’s not good. It doesn’t always turn out good for anyone.

“You can’t keep brushing him off like this,” her tone pleaded.

“He can’t get too attached,” I could have kept climbing up the stairs but my feet were nailed.

“It’s been four years Calvin. Of course he will get attached,” I heard her feet shuffling and soft flop. She must have sat down on the sofa.

I just took a step up the stairs. I don’t like repeating myself. I don’t like listening to this every night.

“This is our home now Calvin,” she called out to me.

“We are not going anywhere,” she added.

“Calvin!,” she raised her voice now.

I stopped walking and clenched my fist.

“Stop calling me that,” I hissed.

“Tell me what’s wrong Vinny?,” she used the nickname she gave me.

“I said, stop calling me that!,” my voice echoed.

“You can hate me but you can’t hate Josh,” her voice shook.

I didn’t look at her. My eyes were trained on the last door in this floor. I want to run for it. I want to just lock myself inside my room.

“I don’t hate him,” I said instead of doing what I wanted to do.

“Then tell me what’s keeping you from him? From me? From all of us?,” she sounded confused and hurt.

“This is not our own. When the time comes, we’ll have to leave and you and I know how that would hurt him,” this was the longest sentence I have uttered to my mother since we left Alcantara.

“Marisse,” a voice suddenly called my mother.

I don’t have to look at it. I know who he is. I haven’t thanked him for saving me from my mother’s meltdowns but like I said, we can’t get too attached.

“Steve,” she had called out to him too.

I could just imagine it. Him, holding her hand tight and rubbing it to calm her down. And this is where I get too puzzled. My mother has never resorted to arguments since Steve came into the picture. They never had a huge fight. They never had to argue over little things. They were always civil and even if I hated admitting it, they were more loving towards each other than my father and mother ever were.

“It’s late Marisse,” I heard him say.

I continued my way to my room and shut the door quietly. I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

I rushed to the bathroom and turned on the hot shower not bothering taking off my clothes. I stood under the shower head, me eyes staring at the tiled floor. My knuckles against the tiled walls.

I haven’t gotten over what Peter said. And now I couldn’t get over what a dysfunctional family I have. At least dysfunctional to me. Even though I never had a taste of peace with my father, he died and I can't not grieve as his son. Even though Steve was more than my father ever was, he’s still not my father. Even though Josh is a good kid, he’s only half of my blood. Even though this family is even better than what I had, this is still not my own.

Anthony!

Anthony!

Anthony!

Anthony!

Anthony!

Anthony!

Anthony!

I kept chanting the name inside my head. I didn’t realize that I was punching the wall until my vision turned blurry and bloody. I was crying. And the tiled floor was coated in red. I turned off the shower and examined my fist. It’s red. One of my knuckle joint cut open. This will leave a bruise in the morning, I’m certain of it but I don’t care. I needed a release and that was a better release than pointing it at someone.

I threw my clothes at the laundry basket. I wrapped my self in a towel and wrapped my hand in a hand towel too. When I had gotten out of the bathroom, I glanced at the clock hanging on left side of the bathroom door facing my bed. It’s already 1 o’clock in the morning. It’s too late to sleep so I just laid on the bed without changing.

I didn’t realize I was halfway through sleeping when my bed dipped lightly. I opened my eyes to find Josh snuggle into my side. I looked at his small figure clung to my body.

“Let me change first,” I said in a volume he would hear.

“Sfine,” he mumbled and hugged me tighter.

“I’ll get you wet kid,” I reasoned with him with my hands awkwardly hovering over his arms that’s around me.

“Skay,” he mumbled again.

“Did you have another nightmare?,” I asked him as he always finds his way into my room every night he has nightmares.

“N-na-uh,” he said. He meant ‘no’. But he was still so sleepy to talk straight. He uses his baby talk when he’s sleepy. “Love you,” he added.

I wrapped my arms around him. “I love you too kiddo,” I hugged him but I didn’t hear anything from him. He was fast asleep to hear me say it and it’s better this way. He doesn’t need to know. He only needs to know he can sneak up on my bed at night. He only needs to know that he can snuggle beside me.

I was rubbing his back when the clock struck 4 o’clock in the morning. I took his arms off me and stood up. I changed into my uniform. I went to the bed and carried Josh in my arms. He snuggled into my neck and mumbled incoherently.

The hallway in the second floor was eerily quiet. I headed to Josh’s room and swung it open. His room is not locked. It’s safer and easier for my mother to check up on him every night this way but she didn’t know that Josh leaves his room and she doesn’t need to know that too.

I laid him on his bed and grabbed his stuffed toys his size for him to hold. This always does the trick. He wakes up thinking that he dreamt of sleeping next to me. Like I said, he can’t get too attached. I smiled at him even if he couldn’t see me. I love him but it’s harder to let go when you’ve loved someone more than yourself. I turned away and headed out of his room.

My steps faltered at the sight of Steve standing just a few steps from Josh’s room.

“I’m going down for coffee,” he said with a knowing smile. His smile was gentle and he nods before he sauntered on his way. I couldn’t find the strength to walk and act as if he hadn’t caught me being the big brother my mother always wanted me to be.

“I won’t tell your mother Calvin,” he added with his steps fading slowly with the serene morning.

“My name is Anthony,” I whispered to myself.