I HEAR YOU

XXI: CALVIN

"I'm not apologizing."

Rhea sighed irritably. I know I'm risking too much for something that everyone around me doesn't know about but I'm never saying sorry. I'm not sorry. I'll never be.

SHE should be the one who's sorry!

I'm right.

I am.

Fuck who's right!

I'm not apologizing.

Never.

"Rhea's right you know...," Dan's voice trailed knowing he'd probably get in trouble for butting in my decisions so I just glowered at him as hard as I could so he'd shut up.
And he did.

"You're a jerk! Do you know that?"

Well....not Rhea. You obviously can't shut her up.

"Are you even listening to me you jerk! You are a big jerk!," she shrieked so hard that I winced. She pivoted her way out of the office and I flinched at how hard she had banged the door close.

"She's really mad at you," Dan uttered still staring at the door.

"She is?," I said nonchalantly.

"Come on Anthony! You should be scared! She could replace you! Worse? With Peter!," he exclaimed as he turned to look at me.

"She's very welcome," I shrugged.

"I get it, alright?," Dan started but before he could finish I cut him off. "Do you?"

"Don't be an asshole Tony," his tone cold. If he wasn't my best friend, he could have broken my nose already but I know he's trying to understand me. And I know full too well that his patience is running thin but I couldn't help it. No one's ever triggered this much hate in me before.

Not even Peter. Or my mother.

Only her.

My emotions are spiraling out of control and if I can't hold back a little bit longer, I might lash out more than I've lashed out on Dan. And I don't want that.

"I'm sorry," I took a deep breath right after the words came out of my mouth. I had my face staring blankly at the computer. I felt too guilty to even look at Dan directly. "I know you do," I added.

I heard him sigh but he didn't reply.
"I was too angry. I couldn't control it. I..... I'm. Well, I'm sorry," this time looking at where he's seated. He was focused on his camera but I know he heard me. "Hey Dan?," I called out again.

"I hear you, alright?," he sighed even deeper than he had sighed earlier like he just had a really bad luck. I felt like scowling but I tried to reel the impulses in just because he's my friend doesn't mean I should invalidate his own feelings and opinions with my business. He has a right to it. More than my mother could have a right to. He's practically the only one valid enough to interject in my issues.

"I may not know everything Tony but I understand. It's just that, maybe you're taking it too far," he added looking straight to my eyes. I had only held for a few seconds, maybe two, as I pulled my gaze away from his. I may have practiced closing myself in but I'm still not sure if I can still be with her.

It feels fucking unfair.

It feels unfair that she gets to break my walls down. The walls I built for so long. The walls she shouldn't be able to break. But she's starting to. And it makes me furious just thinking about how little could I have meant for her back then. Not enough for her to remember. How insignificant could I have been for her? Just as much as her indifference? Why did I hold on to her words that much? I shouldn't have. But I did. And damn did it hurt.