Deal With It

fifty one

"Er, nah," he scratched his head. "Come with me, Arissa." He led me to another room, seeming very impatient, as if he wanted to get rid of me. I felt like an intruder, a stranger. Coming here was beginning to feel like the completely wrong idea. Maybe I should have listened to Daniel. "We're only flatmates," he said. All I could think was, if I hadn't messed up, I would be that flatmate. "She's just very... chirpy."

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to. I knew what you were thinking," he clarified to me.

I stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You're sorry? You drove three hours to say that?"

My eyes were watering again. "Honestly, I don't know what to say to you."

"There is nothing left to say."

"Is everything really ending because of one stupid mistake? Is that how strong our relationship is?"

"Was," he said. I looked at him perplexed. "Our relationship was." My heart sank a little deeper.

"I hoped we could get past something like this."

"Something like this? You know, you are unbelievable. You think I'm overreacting? Why? Because the mistake was yours. Now you think I'm being unfair but I'm not."

"I didn't say you overreacted," I interjected.

"You pretty much did," he argued back. "Maybe to you, it seems that way. To me, though, I reacted fine. This hasn't happened to me before. Truth be told, I don't even know how to react. I don't know how much longer it will take me to not feel that God damn sting of betrayal when I see you or hear your name. I don't," his hands were tightly clutching my shoulders at this point. It hurt but I didn't tell him; I was glad he was holding me, even if like this.

At that moment, he forcefully released me, sending me a couple steps back.

Staring at the ground that kept this distance between us, all I said was, "I understand."

He laughed a sort of manic laugh, making me slightly uneasy. "Don't tell me you understand, don't make me even angrier than I already am, please."

"In case you forgot, I, too, was cheated on!" I lost control over myself. I shouldn't have even mentioned my past but his words made me helpless. I knew I wasn't the victim here but he was painting me as this monster who had never felt heartbreak. But I had. He knew that.

Gazing at me, he smiled sadly. "I don't think my feelings for you can be compared with yours for Jason. If you think they can, you have no idea just how much I love you."

That did it. A tear fell onto my cheek, followed by another and another. Quickly, I wiped them away and any that followed. What could I say? If you love me you'll forgive me? I couldn't. It would make me an even more terrible person than I already was. So I simply said, "Loved."

Then, I walked straight past him. Our arms brushed. A second later, he was holding my hand as I faced away from him. I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the tingling I felt from where he held me, the urge I had to embrace him and never let go. I waited for him to correct me again, tell me it was still "love" but he didn't.

He said to me, deadpan, "I think I like Valerie, Arissa. There might be something there." He paused and I could hear him grinding his teeth. "I don't want you to hold on to the hope that we'll be together again. I won't stay angry at you forever, I couldn't, but it may only ever be friendship. I want you to know that."

He left my hand and I left the flat, despite Valerie calling after me several times. I knew how he felt now. It was done. We were done. I couldn't quite believe it.

-

I wasn't entirely sure of my whereabouts. It was somewhere in London, maybe on the outskirts, I didn't really know. I had been driving aimlessly for around an hour. Now I was parked up on the side of some road, curled up in my seat with my legs pulled in, crying into the hair that had fallen over my face.

Suddenly, I pulled back and pushed the hair away from my face, wiping an arm across it. I felt gross. More so, I felt sad. Sadder than failing my exams. Sadder than my favourite tv show ending. Even sadder than when someone took the last slice of pizza. Disastrously sad.

I rummaged through my bag for my phone and dialled Tyler's number. I didn't care if it was wrong or stupid. I needed to speak after all that thinking. He picked up after the second bell and said hello. Just knowing I wouldn't hear him say that one word everyday felt like a thousand stabs to the chest. "Hello? Arissa?"

"Tyler. I was hoping this would go to your voicemail but never mind. I'm going to talk and I don't want you to interrupt, okay? Maybe I should have said all this when I saw you but I felt so hurt and confused and... I'm really sorry, Tyler." My voice kept breaking after every few words. Words that probably weren't even understandable over my crying and sniffling. "I admit it, you're right. I did think you were overreacting. I was being insensitive, I wasn't understanding you. If you had cheated, I would have been worse. Much worse. Thank you for not being worse."

"What are you talking about? Please stop crying—"

"Shh. Just shh," I put a finger over my lips as if he could see me. "No talking. You were also right about Jason. I didn't even love him. I hate him. And now I am him. Of course you loved me more which was why this hurt you more. I know now, I know."

"Are you drunk?"

"No! How could you even think that? I would never drink and drive, I promise."

"You're driving like this? Where are you?"

"Be quiet, Tyler. I don't know where I am but you be quiet. I'm still talking." I let out a huge sigh. "Valerie seems nice. You should ask her out on a date. I won't cry, I swear. Okay, maybe just a little but that's okay. I'll be okay. Sometimes I used to think a break would be healthy for us, you know? Just because we went through so much. You nearly died. That was so scary. I was really worried about you then. How is your scar? I forgot to ask. Make sure you tell Valerie about it, she'll be impressed!"

"Shut up, Arissa, just shut up! I'm worried about you. Where the hell are you?"

"Anyway, about that break, I think you took it too literally. I meant a small one, not a permanent one. Guess that one's my fault though, right? Sorry. I ruined something really good. Amazing. Just tell me one thing: what will I do about this fucking tattoo now, huh? That one is all your fault. Don't even try to blame me, mister!" I started laughing, and that meshed with my crying produced one hell of an ugly sound.

"Oh God, I think she's become hysterical. She's even swearing," I heard him mumble on the other end. "I need to know where you are! Is there a sign or something? You can't drive back like this. You shouldn't be doing anything like this."

"I'll be fine! I won't crash or get kidnapped or run away or anything, swear to God. You just, you have a good life, okay?"

"She's definitely drunk," he whispered to someone. And that's when I hung up and switched off my phone.