Dear Diary,
Today... is going to be exhausting. You see, 'Oli' (if that's even his real name) wants me to assassinate that Latin teacher today - and to add to all this madness, he's asked for me to be a bit flamboyant in the way I make an entrance - just for fun, I assume. I do find it a bit odd that a hired assassin who's simply there to get the job done is required to make a grand entrance, cause surely you could just go in and do some light murder, then leave with a perfectly intact conscience - haha, that's something I've always had. But still, it's going to drain all of my energy.
I guess I did agree to this after all. Oli's graciously given me a few hours to prepare before the actual mission, which is perfect; now I can prepare a fresh batch of weapons! Diary, can you help me decide whether I should opt for my signature muffins, or maybe a fish cannon? How about a Trojan horse, but it isn't a horse and instead... a muffin! Oh. Wait. You wouldn't be able to decide, would you! Because you are just a simple book of empty pages, waiting idly to be filled. How dreadfully boring. Anyway, I keep digressing about the pointlessness of this diary. I must focus on my mission.
It's about 8am now, and I just cannot figure out how to engineer something that a Latin teacher will be vulnerable to. Seriously, it may as well be impossible. I've done some serious research (for once!) and nothing seems to be enlightening me about this situation. Oli wants to meet up by the bridge to the school around 1pm, so I still have a while. But there's this nagging feeling that I don't have long enough. It's a really odd feeling, like being stabbed with a lime while choking but also you aren't feeling any pain, just this weird sourness in your gut and a tickle in your throat.
Well, if I think I don't have long enough, it'd be a good idea to hurry up. I've been made aware that this Latin teacher often goes on tangents about random subjects, which I could use to my advantage by inventing a muffin which has mind-controlling properties!
So what does this muffin require? Let's think. A pinch of salt, because salt tastes nice. A squeeze of lime, for sourness, and a peach broken into pieces - for the mind control. Why a peach? I'm honestly not sure. It just seems suitable. This is going to be a wonderful bake. Absolutely beautiful. Now... let's get baking.
...
It's all in the oven, so I can finally relax. Relax, take time to myself, and maybe even schedule some therapy for some deep traumatic trauma that definitely happened in my childhood. Haha!! Of course I don't need therapy.... That's stupid. Me? Therapy? Those two are mutually exclusive. Permanently, mutually exclusive.
"Ding!" Ahhh that'll be the muffins! Time to finish off my murder muffin weapons. Sorry, Diary, I have to go now. I'll be back tonight to tell you how my mission went. Byeeeee!
YOU ARE READING
Muffins, Murders and Mischief
HumorWhat's the best way to murder someone? With a muffin. At least, that's what a comedic and often psychotically wholesome serial killer says. I wouldn't trust that guy though, seems a bit dodgy if you ask me.
