Dear Diary,
Today is a big day! My uncle's leaving the country to go and visit his cousin for a couple of weeks - he says something to do with the family inheritance - which means I can get up to mischief without any paranoia related to family whatsoever! What an absolute treat. I could work on inventions, become a professional cricket player, bake some muffins, or even try and murder someone! Probably not the muffins though. Muffins make me a bit anxious, after what happened to my Lair of Murder, Muffins and Mischief ™. Why did I trademark this, you ask? Well, well, well. It's a long story, and I like long stories. Much more interesting than short stories, and you can fit so much more detail into them, cramming the detail into the skulls of your enemies! Anyway, I'm digressing. The tale of my trademark began all the way back in 2020 (I know, decades ago!), when I started out as a youthful, 17 year-old accidental murderer. Don't question how I started. By disclosing that information I'll certainly end up in prison. Now, I decided I needed a lair, and found an old basement in my college that nobody seemed to occupy. Well, no-one except this kinda cute boy - eh, I think he was a bit of a jerk though. So I built up this little base that I'd go to and plan stuff to do with my friends, or mini-projects. And well, I needed a name and thought it'd be funny to add Murder into the mix. So yeah, that's how it happened.
Actually, that boy was quite cute... But I don't need romance. I'm perfectly- yes, perfectly - happy with my life, just murdering and playing cricket. Although I do wonder what my life would have been like without the accident. I'm sure I much prefer this version of reality to whatever could have been.
[A frustrating ringtone begins to play.]
Ah, that'll be the phone ringing then. I wonder who it could be, not many people actually call me.
"Hello, [...]? Are you there? Yes? Brilliant. Now my name is Oli, I'm a professional dancer, and I have a proposal to make. If you can help me out by removing a... certain someone... from existence, then I can use my connections to get you something in return - something of your choice. Of course, that's only if you're interested."
I am very intrigued. Very, very intrigued. Let's see what this 'Oli' has to say.
"You know what, I'm in. Now who's this person you want me to take out?" This could be fun.
Oli sounded like he was laughing. "Well, to cut to the chase - he's a Latin teacher at a fancy school. My sister Laura despises him, and it hurts me to see how much she struggles."
Unexpected. But I can do it.
"Let's do this!"
I quite like this Oli guy. Welp, it's time to prepare for my first ever mission! Hehehe I'm so excited!!
Goodbye Diary, lots of love from [...].
YOU ARE READING
Muffins, Murders and Mischief
HumorWhat's the best way to murder someone? With a muffin. At least, that's what a comedic and often psychotically wholesome serial killer says. I wouldn't trust that guy though, seems a bit dodgy if you ask me.
