branch angst

out

branch's pov:

i woke up in a cold sweat. i immediately sat upright in my bed. my chest was heaving up and down rapidly and i was gulping for air.

i placed my hand on my chest swiftly in hopes of catching my breathe. after a bit i seemed to calm down.

usually waking up like this wouldn't be a big deal. i wake up like this all the time!! except this time i didn't have any sort of nightmare. so there was nothing to be afraid of.

weird.

i got up and out of bed. this first thing i did was take my brush out and begin brushing my hair. i didn't have a mirror in my room anymore.. so i would just have to hope this was enough. before leaving the room i applied some more of that makeup on.

i wish i could be effortlessly good-looking like.. bruce! or poppy!! or anyone.

i put the makeup away gingerly before heading out the door and into the living room, where of course, my brothers were.

"where were you yesterday? you were gone like.. the whole day!" clay asked while munching on a poptart.

"oh just went jogging." i half smiled before pouring myself a cup of coffee.

john tilted his head. "no breakfast?"

"nope." i smiled simply.

"suit yourself." j.d snickered while taking a bite out of his toast.

i felt like today was going to be pretty good!!

until i remembered about the second psychiatrist appointment floyd scheduled.

i know he's only trying to look out for me. but seriously.. one is enough!! what else could she have to say??

but i go because it makes him happy. and it makes poppy happy. and it has more ups than downs. so i guess it's worth it.

2 hours later

we were all in rhonda. 'we' being me, my brothers, and poppy.

i found it kinda embarrassing how they all decided to come. but i didn't feel like arguing really. like i'd said before.. i didn't really feel like.. anything!!

it was driving me completely insane how all my emotions had just vanished. and it's all because of some stupid pills!!!

i swear the first chance i get i'm disposing of them. they make me feel terrible. i wish my family could see that!

but i hadn't self harmed in weeks. so i guess i was doing something right.

finally, rhonda halted to a stop prompting us to get out.

here we go again.

everyone was kind of chatting but i wasn't paying much attention. a few of my brothers asked me questions or something but after a couple minutes of no response i guess they'd given up.

poppy was by my side the entire time though. she was squeezing my hand tightly as we made it through the giant double doors of the office.

me and her both slipped into our seats as my brothers followed behind us.

"branch?" the receptionist peeked over her desk to look at me.

i nodded my head. "yeah?"

"doctor springfield is waiting for you in her office." she stated.

i nodded my head before turning back to my future wife.

"you've got this." she smiled.

i kissed her on the cheek, slowly letting go of her hand before trailing off to dr springfield's office.

i didn't like this lady much. but i don't think you get to choose your psychiatrist. if i could, i would have switched a long time ago.

i tapped on the door softly. "branch."

"come in, come in." she said welcomingly.

i opened the door and slumped down into the seat across from her.

"how many more appointments do i have with you?" i asked quite bluntly.

she looked a bit taken aback but kept her composure. "this may be the last one. unless, of course, we find out something unexpected.

"what's that mean?" i furrowed my brows.

she ignored the question and started scribbling in her notepad. "could you answer some more questions today? i'm afraid you may have more than just bi polar."

"yeah, well, i'm afraid you might be wrong." i scowled.

she took her glasses off, huffing annoyedly. "don't make this difficult branch."

i actually felt a teensy bit bad for her so i nodded my head as an answer.

now, i'm not going to bore you with all the details like i did last time. instead, i'm going to tell you what happened after all these questions.

"i was right, branch. i don't want to diagnose you just yet but.." she looked over her notes once more. "i'll be back. you stay here." she ordered while leaving the chair and slipping out the door before i could answer her.

i sighed. i was already getting kind of bored. i started tapping the arm wrests on my seat. but that got boring pretty fast. so i started humming. which also got boring. i grabbed a pencil from her desk.

borrrrinnggggggggg.

before i had the chance to do anything else ms springfield popped back into the room.

"okay branch. so, based on the answers you provided i'm going to have to diagnose you with body dysmorphia and autism. your autism isn't as.."

my mind kind of just cut her off there as she rambled on and on about the effects this stuff may have on my life. and she talked about pills. lots and lots of pills.

i wanted to be angry. i wanted to be upset. but i wasn't. i had no feeling. unless you count that fuzzy feeling. i felt fuzzy. my whole body felt kind of fuzzy. like.. how your arm feels before it falls asleep. that kind of fuzzy. or that white noise on the tv. that kind of fuzzy. i felt super duper fuzzy! .... if that's even a word to describe how someone's feeling.

after about 5 minutes of this women rambling on and on about whatever the fuck body dysmorphia is and how autism is affecting me, i got up from my seat.

"where do you think you're going?" she asked firmly.

i began walking to the exit. "i'm going to take a walk."

"i'll be telling your family about your diagnosis. they'll have your pills." she stated, scribbling something down once more.

"ok."

and just like that i walked out the room.

out the building.

out the parking lot.

out the city.

out troll village.

out.

thats the end!! i'm so tired.