𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 » j.g × j.w

f o u r

johnnie

tw; suicide attempt, cutting

i pace the length of room.

c'mon, johnnie. take a pill or two. you need this.

it feels like someone is screaming in my ear.

take a handful. we can take your sorrows away. you won't have to feel anything anymore.

i begin eyeing the corner of my room where i hide the pills and a bottle of jack daniels.

take us and drink the jack daniels. celebrate. after tonight, you won't have to feel anymore. you won't have to exist on this god forsaken earth.

i reach for my nightstand. i slowly open the drawer, eyeing the door. careful not to make any noise.

careful to not get caught.

in the back of the drawer is a blade. i gently grab it and bring it to what little light i have in my room.

my sweet release.

i begin to slowly make my way to the corner.

do it.

do it.

DO IT.

it sounds like loud drumming and screaming in my ears.

i slowly sink to the ground before placing the blade on my knee. i reach for the pills and jack daniels.

it's not there.

panic begins to set in as i rummage through the clothes. "no, no, no, please don't do this to me," i plead, tears streaming down my face.

relief washes over me when my hand touches the bottle of pills and the jack daniels.

i open both bottles and gently set the lids down.

taking the pills, i pour a lot into my hand to the point where a few fall onto the floor. with one hand holding a bunch of pills, the other holding the jack daniels, i brace myself.

i put all the pills into my mouth before washing them down with the daniels. it burns my throat, causing my eyes to well up with tears.

"don't be a pussy, it's just whiskey."

i set the daniels down before picking up the blade with trembling hands.

i pull up my sleeve and slowly place the blade against my skin. my hand is shaking so bad. i don't know if it's anxiety or the pills or the alcohol.

i push the blade down against my skin before pulling it across. blood begins to spill out the cut. i do it multiple times to the point where my arm begins to look like a massacre. i pull up my other sleeve before repeating what i had previously done to my other arm. blood drips down my arms.

"johnnie!" i hear my mom shout.

fuck.

my heart begins to race and my chest begins to tighten.

"johnnie! we need to talk!" she shouts once more.

i get off the floor, my knees shaking. i pull my sleeves down, trying not to get my blood anywhere.

as i try to walk, i keep stumbling into things. having any sort of coordination seems physically impossible.

as i make my way down the stairs, i miss a step and end up slipping all the way down.

"ohmigod, johnnie, are you okay?" my mom asks.

i start to laugh hysterically like the funniest thing just happened.

her eyes widen. "johnnie?" she says, her tone full of worry. she slowly inches closer to me.

"mom, i'm fine!" i say with a huge smile, still laughing.

she gets down on the ground with me and pulls my sleeve up.

she gasps, covering her mouth. "ohmigod, johnnie. we're going to the emergency room right now," she says.

i yank my sleeve back down. "i'm fine."

she eyes me. "you did more than just cut, didn't you?" i scoff, turning my attention away. "johnnie alan guilbert, look at me right now."

when i don't look at her, she rushes away.

"what are you doing?" i ask, everything starting to feel fuzzy.

i hear her rustling through her purse. "mom! what are you doing?"

"911, i need an ambulance."

i try to get off the floor. "mom! what the fuck are you doing?" i scream, tears starting to burn my eyes.

"my son. he cut himself pretty bad and i think he took something. he fell down the steps and started laughing hysterically and he's slurring his words."

tears are streaming down my face. "mom! hang up the fucking phone!"

"johnnie, what did you fucking take?" she shouts. "mom, i'm fine, hang up the fucking phone!"

"i already lost your dad, i'm not losing my son. what did you take?"

everything is starting to go dark and the ringing in my eyes is starting to get loud.

the end is near.

"i'm killing myself," is all i say before i close my eyes.

"he just said he's killing himself. please fucking hurry."

i feel her on the ground next to me. "johnnie! wake up!" she screams.

she lets out a blood curdling scream. it's like she's been murdered. then she starts to sob. "johnnie, wake up! don't fucking do this to me. c'mon baby, you can fight it. j-just fight it until the ambulance gets he-"

the last thing i remember hearing before i go unconscious is my mom letting out another blood curdling scream.

release is finally here.