BIRDIE

Rise of the dead and the argument.

It's been 4 days since Simon informed me that Dan is alive. I don't know how to feel. My heart broke when Dan, 'died.' My relationship with him was complicated. In the beginning everything was amazing. We had a lot in common, a witty sense of humour, similar interests and we overall just meshed well. The relationship was good at first, we were young and in love, or so I thought. Whoever said that a relationship can still work in the army, is lying. Work and several missions took a toll on our relationship. When he found out I was pregnant, he was overjoyed. He had spent weeks trying to convince me to have the baby, that it'd restore our relationship, but I just wasn't ready to be a mother and certainly not under those circumstances. He developed a temper, lashing out and on a few occasions nearly got physical with me. We started to resent each other, picking a fight where we could, unnecessarily spiteful comments and screaming matches. We grew distant. Before he left for his last mission we got into a heated argument, he used the abortion against me, calling me a murderer. I know he didn't mean it, I know he was just hurting. I told him I wish he'd die on the battlefield rather than come back home to me. I didn't mean that either. And then he did die. I was broken. I blamed myself for months, for the way we left things. I didn't have the heart to forgive myself, especially with what I said to him before he passed. I grieved for years, vowed I'd never step foot in another relationship after that. Now learning that he's alive, I want to punch his stupid face for ever letting me believe he died. And then punch it some more for living and still leaving me behind. If I'm being completely honest with myself, if he came back from that mission, we probably would've ended. But he was still my friend and we swore that if we didn't work out, we'd continue our friendship. It was far too valuable to lose over a break up. The other part of me thanks the lord himself, that he's alive and well. I don't like talking about my relationship with Dan, I don't like how we turned out.

I haven't spoken to Simon since he told me. He knew for two months. That's 62 days. 62 opportunities to tell me and he took 0 in that time. I'm not sure what his motives are for not telling me and I'm not sure if any of them will make the situation any better. If he thinks for a minute that I'd choose Dan over him then he doesn't know me like I thought he did. I feel betrayed and lied to. I don't know if I can trust him anymore and that hurts me. I miss him and I love him, but I just don't trust him right now.

I've been staying in Soap's room the past few days. He's agreed to limit the phone sex with Ella in my presence. Thank god. He's not offered much advice because he's unsure himself on what to say. The thing is, there's nothing no one can say or do to rectify the situation in play. Besides, he knows better than to get involved. It could be detrimental to that pretty face of his. Instead he's offered me nightly cuddles and an unlimited supply of his snack drawer, which he owed me anyway.

Price has mentioned that Simon's not doing too well. He's been harsher on the new recruits, snappier with everyone and even his mask has made a full time appearance. Everyone's being punished for how he's feeling. At first it wound me up that Simon is punishing everyone else for the consequences of his own actions but now I'm starting to feel at blame. Everyone shouldn't be suffering because he's in a bad mood. I've had several texts from him, all consisting of the same thing.

Simon: Are you coming back to the room?

Simon: Please, talk to me.

Simon: Valerie!

Simon: I miss you, just let me know you're okay.

Simon: ???

Simon: I love you. Please.

Simon: I'm sorry.

Simon: I'm going insane without you. I need you.

Simon: Just give me something, tell me you hate me, anything!

I haven't responded to him yet. I just don't know what to say. I don't hate him but I don't care to soothe him right now. I've come close to giving in a few times, being tempted to sweep it all under the rug. But I'd be stupid to do so and I'm just not that woman.