BIRDIE

Dear Diary and barracks bunnies.

TW: Mention of abortion.

The rest of the week flew by before we had to go back to work. I'm gonna miss this, the closeness we've adapted to. I know as soon as we go back to work, I lose an element of Simon when he goes back to being Ghost. The thought of it chokes me up a little, I hate feeling shut out from him. The comfort comes in slightly when I acknowledge that he's still my Simon under there and that his stand-offish behaviour is only part of the Ghost personality. I'm partially envious that he can compartmentalise his emotions into one persona and be cold, yet collected in the other.

Simon decided to head back to base a day early, to get things in order for the boat load of new recruits we could be expecting. That night I felt particularly lonely in my bed. My fingers roam around the space that should be accompanied by his body. I'd always liked sleeping alone, I'm a selfish bed-hoger, but I grew accustomed to a large man pillow in my bed. Reality started to sink in fairly quickly, there'd be no room for this relationship to continue the way it has been while we're at work. That's just the way it is. I think I'm okay with that, but saying it out loud I'm starting to think I'm lying. I lay in bed pondering on the recent events between us and the thoughts alone have my mouth twitching involuntarily into a smile. Catching sight of myself in the mirror, embarrassed at the sight of myself, I roll and laugh into my pillow. I've never been a woman to get so giddy like a love struck teenager over a man. Even in my last relationship, God rest his soul, I loved him, I really did. But this thing I've got going on with Simon is exposing new feelings that I wasn't aware I possessed. I'm quickly snapped out of my thoughts when my phone illuminates my bedside unit. My heart races at the thought of it being Simon. I open the screen and see Soap's name. Disheartened slightly, I swipe open my phone.

Soap: Hey lass, ye awake? X

Me: Yeah, I'm up. Everything alright Johnny-boy? X

Soap: Grand. Is Si with ye? X

Me: No, he's gone back to base early. Something about new recruits. X

Soap: Right... Okay, nae bother. X

Me: You sure everything is okay? X

Soap: Yep, yep. Nothing to worry about. See ye tomorrow. X

Okay, what the fuck is that all about.

I'd be lying if I said the reason I couldn't sleep last night was because of the raging insomnia, those texts felt a little off and I want to know why. Nevertheless, my feet motivate me to get packed up and ready to go back to work.

Finding myself in the common room, Price stands behind the desk, briefing and welcoming the new recruits to the Task Force. They seem all overly excited and raring to go, that will go away. And the thought makes me want to laugh, they'll be miserable like the rest of us, soon enough. My head twitches around the room, looking for the one person that isn't here. My eyes fall onto Soap, slightly confused. This isn't like Simon to miss anything... let alone a meeting. I think Soap caught on because he gives me a nervous smile and it fills the lining of my stomach with a unwanted dread. Focusing for the remainder of the briefing was not on the cards, until a little voice of my brother chips into my head.

"Don't let personal relationships ruin your career, little bird."

Fuck off. Stop being right. Asshole... but, love you.

The briefing draws to a close and everyone starts to flood out of the room, Soap is quick to weave through the sea of bodies out the door in an attempt to avoid the questions dancing on the tip of my tongue. Frowning to myself, I plod over to Price who seems equally as anxious.

"What's going on? Why is everyone being really weird?" I challenge him with no room to lie to me.

It seems my question didn't throw him off completely, instead of feigning a deer in the headlights look, he opted for a moth in the headlights, accepting inevitable death. He sighs nasally, his neck visibly tensed tighter than a wound up balloon dog.