"Valentina would be able to know when enough was enough."
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I can't breathe.
That's the only thing I can think about as Valentina holds my hand and leads me through the packed gymnasium. Her hand in mine is the only thing I want to focus on but I'm focused on everything else around me. I'm thinking about the fact that I can't hear too well. I'm thinking about the fact that my vision had blurred after finding her eyes at the bleachers.
Look for me up there, okay?
I had. When everything in my life suddenly stopped, I looked for her first. Help me, I shouted at her in my mind, and she hadn't wasted a moment before running down and grabbing a hold of my wrist. It was hard to think about her touch, but I wanted to. She could ground me.
Everything had stopped and even breathing got hard for me.
"Teo", the urgency in her voice tells me that this isn't her first time saying my name. She places a hand on my arm and starts to pull me down. It's easy for me to follow her lead because my body has stopped working. She presses a hand on my shoulder and pushes me down on the bench. "Teo, bambino, can you hear me?"
I nod and she smiles softly at me. "Breathe in and out", she whispers to me and I shake my head. I'm trying, can she not see that I am? I let out a breath and it's so shaky that I have to close my mouth. Valentina shakes her head and then moves my hand over her chest.
"Follow me", she says to me and I press my palm to her chest. "Like the other time, follow my heartbeat." She is all I hear right now, her voice a soft melody in my mind. I press my forehead to hers and she smiles as I take in deep breaths in and out. My breath catches for the first few times but as I continue, it becomes better.
"There, Matteo", she praises me as I breathe in and out. I close my eyes and feel her heartbeat and start to regulate it to hers. She is so calm. How is she calm when my heart beat is going so fast? I clench the necklace in my hand and think of the times where I didn't lose control of my life like this.
I had it all.
I had everything I ever needed.
I had the best family and friend I could ask for.
When did it get to this? When did my life start to fall apart? When did the simple enjoyment of playing basketball cause for me to have a panic attack?
I didn't want this; I wanted to go back.
I slip my other hand behind her neck and I'm about to pull in when I realize I can't do that. I couldn't hug her in the way I wanted to. I couldn't slip my hand into her hair and feel my heartbeat flush with hers.
I take a breath in and breathe out through my nose as I pull away from her. I slip my hand away from her necklace and put it to my sides. I smile at her and say, "Thank you, bella."
