Falling for the unloveable

Clinging before he leaves

"Yeah it's a wonder you aren't all fat" Mal starts a long conversation about eating habits, the gym and everything in between and I love sitting back and just listening to my favourite people converse. I add my input sometimes but for the most part I observe, mostly because it's one of my favourite things to do but also because I couldn't sleep for a second last night. My dad has become increasingly violent and creative in the ways he inflicts pain onto me the past few days.

He poured an ice bath last night and dragged me into the bathroom by my hair. With a hand latched onto my neck he forced my head to be submerged in the frosty water for so long that I couldn't keep my lips pressed together and my eyes tightly screwed shut. My body would force me to gasp-seeking the oxygen I'd been lacking for too long but instead of swallowing air, water quickly filled my lungs until he lifted me out again. Then he'd scream reasons as to why I should die ahead of submerging me again before I had the chance to suck in a lung full of oxygen.

He repeated the same cycle for over an hour before kicking me in the abdomen and hauling my limp, heaving body down to the basement where he has adopted the habit of leaving me after releasing his anger. His girlfriend didn't visit me after that but I heard him call for her before they disappeared into his room.

I laid on the floor until the numbness reached the tip of my toes and the ends of my hair and only then, when the idea of death itself was more appealing than walking up those stairs, did she unlock the door that he'd bolted shut. I managed to drag my lifeless body to my room where I hid the pain under clothes that barely touched my skin (they were so big) and concealer that had to be layered multiple times to cover the dark circles under my eyes.

Even now when he's nowhere near me and only the people I cherish most are around, I wish that last night was the end for me. My head still aches and my body isn't any better and though the pain has become normal over the years I've experienced it, its still just that, pain.

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"When does your brother come home?" I ask Jake who is walking me to my class as usual.
"Tomorrow he's here for the week" Jake is happiest when talking or with his family but the only way to tell is by the tiniest of smiles pulling at his lips. Plus I have years of experience trying to understand him and I think I've finally cracked him. "I bet your mom is going crazy"
"Oh yeah she hasn't been this excited since he was accepted into Harvard" a smile of my own appears as I think of Mrs Hart, she's one of the loudest and most loving people I've ever met.
"I bet, though she was pretty excited when she thought you had a girlfriend" he groans as I hold back a laugh.

"That was your fault" he accuses.
"It's not my fault that you had me saved as Mrs Hart" he shakes his head with disbelief.
"I didn't! It was Malcolm!" I hum, a diverted smile on my lips. "Don't make that noise like I'm lying" of course Jake has also cracked me and knows what I mean even when I don't say it out loud.

"I think it's adorable that you thought of me as your wife" he rolls his eyes and nudges me away as I laugh. "Don't tell your boyfriend that"
"Why are you scared he might beat you up?" I tease and he raises an unamused eyebrow.
"Don't worry I'll protect you"
"You think you could beat him?" I shrug,
"You don't call him whipped for nothing" at that Jake releases a real laugh and our short walk comes to an end as we stop in front of my classroom.

"I'll see you later"
"Alright bye Iris"
"Bye jake" I say goodbye before slipping into the classroom and heading for my seat without looking up or at anyone around. I just want this lesson to go by as quick as possible though I know it never does. Having to sit beside Lucy is even crueller than anything my father could do because she doesn't deserve my ignorance, it's not her fault she look so similar to her brother. But I think I'll break down if I face her so I don't.