Don't leave me behind.

8. if you are leaving , tell me.

Weeks had gone by since becky started chemotherapy and she had just had her fifth session.

becky was starting to feel sick and weak and as much as she was afraid to show it, the signs were very obvious.

becky hair was thinning, she was losing weight, she was always tired and worst of all, throwing up was now very common for her.

becky couldn’t help but wonder why freen stuck around
“who would love someone who’s dying?”

becky constantly bombarded her brain with awful thoughts such as that, he was afraid that this was all too much for freen, as sometimes she felt like it was too much for freen.

The pair had chosen not to share becky diagnosis with the family which was hard considering the Chankimha were a close bunch.

becky and freen were constantly making excuses not to visit or go to family get-togethers.

becky just didn’t want this to be a big deal, even though she knew it was.

freen obviously needed someone to talk to about the situation, someone who wasn’t becky but she didn’t want to share anything that becky didn’t want out there, so she respected becky and kept the news to herself.

However, Ananda (freen sister) birthday party was this weekend and becky wasn’t able to go, being around kids would be too much of a risk, and she knew freen was going to have to go alone, or worse tell the family what was actually going on....everything was too much for becky and she knew it was too much for freen to.

freen had been acting odd the last week, she just seemed off and becky noticed but she never really had the chance to say anything.

becky slept most days and threw up most nights as freen rubbed her back sleepily or woke her to force her to eat a little something

freen seemed disconnected, distant and emotional, and becky was finally awake and put together enough to have a conversation about it... she was thinking that she need to do something because wasn't fair for freen to be part of her bullisht.

“freen ”
becky yelled out from the bedroom as freen walked into the room in almost a blink of an eye
“yeah becky? ...You okay?”

freen was always worried about becky, she didn’t want her to be in any more pain than necessary.

becky pat the bed and motioned for freen to lay with her... freen followed the gesture and jumped right into bed next to her lover.

f

reen scooted closer to becky before eyeing her and realizing becky facial expression was a serious one
“What’s going on?”

becky raised her brow, in her usual fashion before responding
“you tell me.”

freen looked confused...she shrugged at becky in confusion.

“You’ve been acting weird all week, and I know you’ve been leaving the room once I fall asleep”
becky said accusatorily.

freen looked surprised
“if you’re asleep, how do you know that?”

becky looked annoyed as she rubbed her temples

“I wake up and you’re gone, now answer me, what gives freen?”

F

reen realized that she had failed to hide her weakness and did not know what to say because she did not want to say anything that would make Becky overthinking more.

Becky took a deep breath, then sighed and said with wet eyes
“ if you’re leaving just tell me, if you want to leave please tell me... i will never blame you or hate or whatever,
i know everything too much for you and i know you love me but i don't want to see you loosing yourself just  because you don't to face the truth that if you stay you will hurt yourself... you don't deserve this bullisht... you deserve normal life with someone... someone better ”
Becky said this while wiping away the tears of Phryne, who was shaking her head, trying to say something to tell Becky that she completely misunderstood her.

freen practically flung her body onto becky
“FUCK NO, NO! That’s never going to happen please don't say that again...please ”

freen voice was shaking and becky knew she was crying.
becky looked down at freen and saw big brown eyes staring back at her filled with tears just as she suspected, and the only thing he thought to say was
“talk to me then girl.”

freen hugged becky tightly and becky hugged her back and kissed her forehead, inhaled the scent of freen hair deeply and decided to give them both a moment in each other's arms to feel warm and safe.

freen rolled off of becky and back to being beside her as she wiped her tears and started talking

“I just feel helpless, terrified... I feel like I'm losing you and it makes me crazy, I can't imagine myself without you, when I see you in this state I wish... if I could switch positions with you I would”
freen voice was shaking as she was trying not to cry.

becky looked over at freen who was having trouble speaking anymore, as she watched freen lip quiver, her heart hurt because she knew freen would really do that if he could
Becky pulled Freen towards her, and without any resistance, Freen buried her head in Becky's neck and allowed the tears that she had been holding for weeks to fall while she was in her girlfriend arms feeling warm and safe.

After a few moments of silence, while Becky and freen were still in each other's arms, Becky said in a deep, serious voice as she hugged freen tighter
"I want you to know that I'm willing to die every day but not see you suffer or something bad happen to you... Don't wish to change the position with me again because it hurts me more than this damned disease"

After Becky finished what she wanted to say, she stroked Freen hair, kissed her head, and tried to calm her lover down but her words made Frenn cry even more.
Freen knew that Becky love her but she never expected that Becky would use words to express her feelings and love without hesitation, as always.

After a few moments of silence freen tried to gather her strength and choked out something 
“I just feel bad for crying because I’m trying to be strong for you, but ...I’m so fucking scared becky.”

then she lost it as she started crying again and nuzzled her self into becky becky arms.

at that moment Becky wanted to cry too....she felt kind of guilty for being sick because she knew this was so hard on freen too.

freen couldn’t help but breathe heavily as she sobbed, she wanted to say more but she just couldn’t find the words.

becky  tried to get freen attention so that she could see her face... she put her hand under freen chin and positioned freen to look at her, however freen had her eyes tightly shut trying not to cry anymore.

becky knew freen needed an outlet for this situation, becky can't help freen because she's the reason of her pain
so she decided she’d allow freen to have what she need.
“Hey look at me.”

freen opened her bloodshot eyes to see becky looking directly into her eyes.

“I want you to tell the family”
becky said that while she was caressing freen cheek ... freen nodded as she wrapped her arms around becky neck and hugged her again, she just wanted to feel becky warmth, she wanted to feel safe again.

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