Games

22

Margaret's pov

I've spent the last few days really pulling myself together.

Even though Colby and I were never together, there was something about the possibility of love that had me swamped in happiness and dependence on him to make me happy.

He's been on my mind, but I've distracted myself with meaningless activities like working out and cleaning.

I know that he never really wanted me, he just liked the attention.

And it hurts to know that I've fallen for that, I've given him just what he wanted and got nothing in return.

I poured myself a glass of wine, sipping it slowly as I took a break from deep cleaning my room.

I wanted to dehumanize Colby as much as possible.

I can't be in love with something that's not human right?

I convince myself I'm not crazy.

I put Colby in my head as a lightswitch. When it's on, I have control. My light overshadows him.

When the lights are off, his darkness covers me.

Covers me and gives me things like false promises and fake love.

The uncertainty in his mental grasp is exactly what makes me turn the light back on.

I wonder if he's grown to hate me.

I want to take everything back. I want to pull myself out of his memories and just go back to being a stranger.

I wonder if he loves Raeanne.

Was he playing me, or her?

What was going on in his head?

What if he gave me attention just for me to run away?

What if I'm the one messed up here?

I wanna feel the relief of letting go.

And I can't do that.

It just feels like a knife in my heart, stabbing at everything around it while hurting me.

I heard the door to the infirmary pop open, but I didn't bother poking my head out of my room to see Nate.

"I put food for you in the fridge Nate!" I shouted, taking another sip out of my glass before stepping out to see him.

"It's not Nate," Colby said, causing my heart to drop as he cautiously made his way up to me.

"Oh," I said before clearing my throat, "What are you doing here? Do you need something?"

I looked him up and down, trying to see if he was sick or hurt.

"I wanted to talk to you," He said calmly, and I searched his eyes to see exactly what he was planning.

I raised my eyebrows, finding nothing to reveal his intentions, "Why?"

"What do you mean, why," Colby replied, leaning against the wall, "I'm allowed to talk to you,"

"Shouldn't you be with Raeanne?" I asked obviously, "You shouldn't be around another girl while you are taken,"

"Raeanne and I aren't together," Colby said with an annoyed tone as I held up a hand.

"Save it," I stopped him, "I've seen the pictures,"

"Yeah but it's fake," Colby said, rubbing his hands together as he continued talking, "It's just for the public. I don't actually have any interest in her,"

"Interest in her?" I repeated back to him, "She's head over heels for you, Colby,"

"She doesn't know," He said quickly, biting his lip, "Sam and I were talking and as long as she's happy and I don't have any feelings, Sam said I can live my life how I want to,"

"Since when does Sam have any word in what you do?" I asked, watching him carefully as he talked.

I wanted to believe him so bad.

But I couldn't just give myself to him.

He is a known liar. He'll get whatever he wants, and he doesn't care how he does it.

He could be using me.

"It's his sister, and he doesn't like the idea of me and her being together, anyway," He explained briefly.

"What do I have to do with that?" I asked, "You said so yourself, everything is about status and that's how it needs to stay. I'm nothing,"

"You aren't nothing, Margaret," Colby snapped, his blue eyes hardening as he spoke, "I have Raeanne out here risking her life for me to be happy behind closed doors,"

"Nobody gives a shit about whether or not you're happy, Colby!" I shouted, stepping away from him.

He pushed himself off of the wall, creeping up to me until he was towering over me.

"It's my life too, I get to choose what I do with it," He kept his voice cool, but I could tell he was struggling to control his temper.

"What does that have to do with me?" I asked, "I am nothing to you. You made that clear in the closet, don't you remember?" I paused for a moment, "How are you going to go back on your word if you kissed me after you kissed Raeanne,"

He stared at me as I pushed him away from me, "I was never the first choice. You don't want me, Colby," I made my way into my bedroom, beelining for my glass of wine.

"You don't know what I want," Colby said, watching me as I took a sip out of the wine. "I want you. I want to try things with us now that we actually can,"

"Well I know for a fact you don't want me," I said, "So quit playing with my heart,"

"If I didn't want you, Margaret," Colby began slowly, "Why do you think I went looking for you?"

"Because Nate said so," I said, crossing my arms.

"Nate didn't say shit," Colby said harshly, "It was my decision,"

"But why," I said hopelessly, sitting down on the edge of the bed, "I'm so lost, Colby"

"What do you mean?" He asked, his rough tone softening out as I looked up at him.

Colby walked over, sitting down beside me on the bed.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said, covering my face with my hands, "What if you're lying to me?"

"I'm not," Colby promised, reaching and pulling my hands away from my face, "Trust me on this one, Mags,"

He kept his hands in mine, holding them in between us on the bed. 

"How do I know?" I asked, "How do I know I can trust you?"

"Let me show you," He said, pulling my body to him with my hands and reaching up to put his hand on my cheek.

And then he kissed me. In the dark, on my bed, very gently.

It was almost enough to make me believe what he was saying.