whispers of hope

I didn't mean to do it that much.

After a couple of days, it was finally time for the concert. Everyone was hanging out backstage, waiting. Felix was more distant, but the others ignored it a little and gave him some space while making sure to include him in the conversation.

Felix was more nervous than he usually was. They're all always nervous, but Felix was extremely nervous, and he didn't know why. But he ignored it. He just sat down on the sofa, waiting for the concert to start so he can get it over and done with.
When the time came to do the concert, Felix felt like he was gonna be sick, but he put on a brave face and went on stage.

It started off well, despite how sick, tired, and nervous Felix was. He managed to keep up with the others and started to enjoy himself. That was until he had something thrown at him – a piece of scrunched-up paper. He picked it up and read what was written: 'Felix, you're so useless. Why did they even keep you? If I had the choice, you'd have been gone years ago. Do us all a favor and just kill yourself.' Seungmin noticed the sad expression on his face and took the note from his hands and read it.

"Ignore them; they're just being dicks," Seungmin whispered before walking to a bin to throw away the note.

The rest of the concert, Felix just wanted to leave. Knowing he was upsetting someone made him think about how many people's lives he ruined just for existing. The last couple of days, he's done well at not cutting because everything was calm, but now he was worried it would get bad again. He wanted help, he needed help, but at the same time, he didn't. He didn't want to ruin another person's life; clearly, he ruins lots, and he wouldn't want to ruin any more.

After the concert ended, they went backstage and went to the toilet, ate, whatever they needed to do. Felix just sat on the sofa and thought about the note. He couldn't tell anyone his thoughts; he thought it was pathetic. It was just a small note, why was it hurting so much?

Seungmin went up to Felix and sat next to him. He was silent for a bit before gently holding his hand and placing Felix's head on his shoulder.

When they got home, Felix went straight to his room. Minho and Jeongin didn't notice anything wrong, as they didn't know about the note. Seungmin, on the other hand, worried. He knew Felix was struggling; he didn't tell anyone, but the day before the concert, he was cuddling Felix in bed and saw the scars.

After a while of silently crying, Felix got the courage to leave the room. He walked to the kitchen, reaching for a glass when he heard Minho speak.
"Ugh, he's so annoying."
Then Seungmin.
"I wish he would leave us alone."
Then Jeongin.
"I swear I'm gonna throw him out in a minute."
That's all he needed to hear. They want him gone. Of course, they do. Why did he ever trust them? They're just like everyone else.

He immediately ran to the bathroom and shut the door. He then locked it before sitting on the floor and stared emotionlessly at the wall. He didn't feel anything; he couldn't even cry, and this made him panic.

'Why can't I cry?' he thought. 'I need to. Why won't I cry, for fuck's sake?'

He started to get angry and went to a drawer, hoping to find some blades. But he only saw razors; there were no blades by themselves. He grabbed one of the razors and scraped the blade across his thighs, reopening scars from before. But he still only felt anger, so he got up, covered his thighs, ran to the kitchen, grabbed a sharp knife, and ran back. He sat in the same place as before and violently dug the knife into his skin and dragged it along repeatedly, getting deeper.

Then he stopped.

He realized what he did and just stared at his body—fresh, deep scars all over his thighs, arms, and even some on his stomach. He didn't want to go that far. That's when he finally cried, started with quiet sniffles that turned into loud sobs. And, of course, the others heard. Minho ran to the bathroom and knocked.

"Felix?" Silence. "Felix, are you okay?" Felix still didn't respond. Minho opened the door and gasped.

"Felix!" He ran up to Felix and immediately tried to clean the wounds. After cleaning his thighs, he looked up at him and noticed he looked dizzy.

"Seungmin! Go get Hyunjin!" He laid Felix down, putting a folded towel under his head.

"It's okay, Lix. You're gonna be okay," he whispered. Felix didn't hear him, too focused on the fact everything was spinning. He couldn't even recognize Minho.

When Hyunjin arrived, they both helped clean. Felix, Minho tried to keep Felix awake, but he fainted. He woke up shortly after; they dressed him, carried him to his room, and put him in bed. Minho left, and Hyunjin stayed by his side.

"Sorry..." Felix muttered.

"Huh? What for, baby?"

Felix sighed, "I didn't mean to do it that much."

Hyunjin teared up a bit and held Felix's hand. "It's okay, I promise. Just... just rest. I'll stay here."

Felix started to fall asleep. "Hyunjin, is it wrong to want to kiss your friends?" he whispered sleepily.

"Hm? I don't think so. Why?"

"Jisung's lips are pretty," he slurred before falling asleep.

Hyunjin smiled, "I will let him know."

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Minho went to the kitchen and grabbed some water; he felt more drained after that. Seungmin walked in and sat at the table.

"Is he okay?"

"... Hopefully."

They were silent for a bit.

"Did you know, Seungmin?"

"Know what? the self-harm?"

Minho nods; Seungmin hesitated for a little before nodding.

"I saw the scars. I didn't think it was that bad. I should've done something."

Minho stared at Seungmin before rolling his eyes. He put the glass down and walked to Seungmin and hugged him.

"I don't think any of us could've known. How would we? He was doing so well..."

Seungmin looked up.

"Some dick threw a note to Felix at the concert. I don't remember what exactly it said, but it said that he was useless... I think it said... That he should kill himself..."

Minho didn't say anything, just looked at Seungmin.

"Let's go to bed, Seungmin... We'll talk another time. I don't want to talk right now."