I Wish I Was Born A Girl So I Could Love You - byler

Chapter Five

Dear Will,

I miss you.

I realised recently that I don't need you to live, but I need you like I need air. You support and comfort me enough to keep me alive, but I need to make other supports for myself to stay living.

You said that you couldn't be with me because I hated myself for loving you, but you were wrong. I don't hate myself for loving you, I could never hate anything that has something to do with you. I hate myself for being different, but that's how it's always been for me. I've been bullied all my life and I was scared because there was something else about me to be hated for. When I'm with you I don't hate anything, you make me feel amazing and loved. I'm at my best when I'm with you.

Love is a taboo topic in my house. I never learned to love. I didn't know I could love, until I realised I was in love with you. Although sometimes I wish I loved differently, I am forever grateful for you teaching me that love is something that can exist in my world.

I'm sorry for all the times I messed up. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for pretending to like your sister. I'm sorry I'm so fucking scared. I'm sorry that I hate myself sometimes. But I'll never be sorry for loving you.

All I want is to hold your hand. I picture you and I ache. I think of you all the time now, not that I would ever want to think of anything else.

Do you remember the day we met? I think about it a lot. You were sitting alone on the swings, I was alone too. I went up to you and asked if you wanted to be my friend. That was the best decision I ever made, because you said yes. I didn't know it then but thinking about that would make me want to spend the rest of my life on your side, if you'll have me.

You saved me, but I'm learning to save myself too.

Love,
Mike