I Wish I Was Born A Girl So I Could Love You - byler

Chapter four

Mike didn't know how to live after that day at the lake, he felt like he was trying to breathe without oxygen. He had spent a long time sitting by the lake after Will left, part of him was waiting for Will to come back. He stayed there until Nancy came looking for him, concerned about him when it was after his curfew. He didn't talk, he couldn't. There was an overflow of emotions from his head that landed in his throat and he wouldn't speak to anyone. Nancy had asked multiple times 'What happened?' or 'Are you okay?' On their ride home together. Mike didn't respond. His brain was frozen, stuck. He was constantly replaying Will and his conversation. It was like that for the first couple of days. Mike's mom started to worry about him, but his dad would occasionally find time to yell at him about needing to 'become a man' or 'speak up'. It was weird because most of the time his dad didn't care about him to take the time to talk to him. Nancy would have to come into his room to give him food occasionally, only for the days he wouldn't eat the meals provided by his mom. Mike's depression was visible through the state of his room, there were empty cups littering his bedside table, messy piles of clothes covering the ground (although he had not gotten out of his pyjamas in days), and a week's worth of unfinished homework spread across his desk. He hadn't seen Will since the lake, it had been days. He hadn't seen anyone.

He was no longer depressed about being queer, he just felt broken without his best friend. Mike had accepted being queer. He knew that was how it would always be, it wasn't going to change so he had to get comfortable with it. There were always going to be people like his father, people who would hate him, but he found people who loved him no matter what. He trusted that in time he would feel comfortable enough with himself to open up to them.
The pain of losing Will hurt more than anything he had ever experienced. He never loved someone that much, so the pain of not having them hurt an unimaginable amount.

Mike was hidden under his blankets, shutting off his thoughts and trying to go back to sleep, even though it was already 10 AM. His plan to fall asleep wasn't working, he was disturbed by muffled conversations from downstairs. He recognised one of the voices, it was Max. He then heard footsteps up the stairs leading to his room. The door swung open and he could see Max's face, but her smile dropped when she tripped on the piles of mess in the room and she realised Mike was upset. After years of not fully being able to see people's facial expressions, she had gotten good at reading people's energy. She knew something was wrong with him immediately.

"Mike... I know you're not okay, I don't know why, but I have to give you this," Max said, stepping into the room and passing him a letter.

Mike took the letter and carefully examined the writing on the envelope. He recognised the messy handwriting easily, it was from El. Max walked over and uninvitedly sat on the bed, making herself comfortable. She reached out to touch his hand that was not holding the letter, but he flinched at the touch. So she repositioned herself a comfortable distance away from him and he eased up.

"Are you going to open the letter?" Max questioned and Mike nodded, silently answering. "I can leave if you want," Max said, Mike lifted his head up and properly looked at her face for the first time since she arrived. He reached out and tightly held onto her hand, begging her to stay.

Max had seen Mike a couple of times like this when he wouldn't speak. At first, she would tease him like she always would, thinking it was a joke. But eventually, she understood what it meant and what to do. Mike liked to think that they both understood each other in a way no one else could.

Mike ripped open the letter, not caring about keeping the envelope intact, he scanned the words on the paper and softly smiled reading it. According to this letter he no longer had a girlfriend, he was free. The note talked about how Mike was distant and El couldn't understand why, in the end, they both agreed it would be much better if they were just friends. Mike felt a surprising sense of relief wash over him as he placed down the letter and fully took in its contents. At the start of the relationship he was desperate, felt like he needed this, that he would be dead without it, but now it was gone he realised it was killing him.

"This probably isn't a surprise because you haven't talked to her in a week," Max said with a light chuckle. 'I haven't talked to anyone in a week,' Mike thought. "So I know you don't want me to leave, but do you just want me to talk or do you want to sit in silence until you want to speak about whatever's going on." Max then realised she made a mistake in wording the question since Mike mostly just responded with yes or no answers. They had learnt how to communicate in times like this quickly, most people would think he could just nod or shake his head, but since Max couldn't fully see him they relied on taps. One tap yes, two taps no. "Oh, right. I'm just going to talk then," and so she did. She went on a lengthy rant of things Lucas had done that week while Mike was away, but it ultimately ended with her going back to the same realisation that she was in love with him.

Eventually, Max relaxed him enough that he thought he could try talking to her. His voice came out raspy and quiet. "I don't know what to do, Max," he cleared his throat and continued, "I think I need help," Mike said softly.

"I know you do Mike, look at the state of you. You haven't been this bad since... I can't think of a time you've been this unhappy actually. Please talk to me about it."

Once Mike started talking again, he knew he couldn't stop, so he let it all out. He explained everything, from Mike discovering his homosexuality to his love for Will, and then he got to the part at the lake. He described how perfect the day was until he 'decided to fuck it all up'. He was used to the pain of it all, so he didn't cry.

"Max, I'm gay and I don't know how to handle it."

"That's okay, Mike. I hope you know that's okay. It's great, really, but you're going to have to get used to it because it's never going to change. No matter how many girls you date you are always going to be gay."

"Yeah, and no matter how many people I date I am always going to be in love with Will," Mike said sadly, his eyes softly tearing up.

This wasn't the first time he realised he was always going to be in love with Will. He realised it when they jumped off the cliff over the water together. He realised it when kissing Will. He realised it when Will told him he loved him, but wouldn't be with him.

After he admitted that they both sat together not talking about it again, not because they wanted to ignore it, but because Max understood and she knew that Mike wouldn't want to talk about it any longer. Instead, Max continued talking gossip from the week that she knew would make Mike feel better. She mentioned how the party missed him at D&D meetings and that Steve was worried about him according to Eddie. Once Max stopped talking they lay on the bed next to each other, silently listening to music together.

'Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you'

Listening intently to the lyric Mike realised that every song he was listening to was now about Will. That was when he decided he needed to make Will listen to him. Will needed to know how he felt. Will needed to know he loved him, and that he was trying his hardest to love himself too. It was true, Mike was learning to love himself, but most importantly he learnt that it was up to him, Will couldn't help him with this.

He had realised that he wasn't the only one in this situation who had problems or damaging thoughts that impacted the way they acted. He thought about how Will's dad had treated him growing up, he thought about how hard that must have wrecked his view on himself and relationships. Mile felt the overwhelming need to comfort Will and explain how everything would be okay if they had each other.

Mike got up to act upon his epiphany. He scrambled to his desk to find a pen and paper, he then sat down and started frantically writing. He didn't care how the words sounded, he just needed them to be true. The words flowed through his hands and onto the paper. He folded the letter carefully and tied it up with a loose piece of string. He sat for a moment staring at the paper and wondered if his plan would work. This was only a small moment of self-doubt before he sent the letter on its way.

Max left to go deliver the letter to Will's house. She had strict instructions not to tell him what it was about or who it was from. Mike felt more awake than he had in weeks, but that alertness brought attention to the sinking feeling of uncertainty in his stomach.