Death eaters and Harry read the books

The Boy Who Lived

~Parseltounge~

This will not include this whole chapter just some more important bits so sorry if this gets at all confusing.

"The boy who lived" read out Voldemort.

"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal" Everyone seems a little confused by the normal statement but I just give up all hope of this going well.

"They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense." 

"Who are these people?" A werewolves asks. Greyback I think moony called him.

"My delightful muggle aunt and uncle." I respond only letting a hint of sarcasm leak into my voice. Voldemort raise's an eyebrow at this but continues

"He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache."

At this people just stare at me trying to figure out how we are related.  

"Mrs Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours."

"yeah that sounds like her." At this Voldemort glares at me for disturbing him and I act like I didn't say anything.

"The Dursleys had a small son" This gets a snort out of me I mean who are they kidding?

"called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere." That just gets a small chuckle. 

"The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters."

"You got anything to add?" Voldemort asks obviously a little interested in my life story.

"Uhh. Yeah I hope this books burn in hell before you finish them." I respond after all that's the truth.

"Mrs Potter was Mrs Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister"

"Why would she do that?" Bellatrix asks.

"Oh I couldn't tell you." I respond "Auntie Bella" I say after a second just to try and annoy her.

"The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son"

At this people glance at me and I just ignore them and continue to glare at the books.

 "they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that."

"What do they mean by that?" A death eater I don't quite recognise asks.

"Magic" Is the only response I give.

 "Mr Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work"

"He sounds like an exciting man" Greyback states and I just faintly hum in agreement. I'm trying to figure out which buttons I can get away with pushing.

"It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar - a cat reading a map."

You bet that gets a grin from after all I only know one cat who can read maps.

"It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive- no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs."

"Oh my god that's a discovery that man has some common sense." I respond which a few people laugh at.