casey keeps getting on my nerves because he won't stop making assumptions about my behavior. he keeps getting an attitude whenever he does it, which is more annoying than just misinterpreting everything i'm doing. he's had a tude with me a lot. i'm gonna kick his ass /nsrs.
it sucks how frequently this happens, and it's only been happening so frequently after the breakup. suddenly because we aren't dating, it's like he doesn't know me as well?? it's weird. i hate it. it happens every day we see each other in person. it might be tied into how he believes we aren't compatible or something. he wants to believe it now because it justifies him breaking up with me. why was it not a problem for 3.5 years? why now? we didn't fundamentally change as people, yet he wants to believe we're so different. ironically, we've spent so much time around each other that a lot of our language/mannerisms have evolved around each other in some way.
it's genuinely stupid. sorry. casey's very smart, but he's come to this conclusion that's just straight up dumb 😭 he's obsessing over personality typing as if it's 1:1 with reality or fully captures how we are as people. this is coming from someone that's had a big interest in personality typing since, like, 2014.
you'd think that someone who puts the physical world and experience in the forefront of his worldview that he'd realize his experience with me shows how great we are together. we have opposite temperaments, but we get each other and balance each other out as mirrored types. why would we have dated for so long if he thought we were incompatible? we're literally two sides of the same coin and bro really said we aren't 😭😭 he really tried to tell me that the personality type i share only 2 cognitive functions with somehow is a reflection of me 💀 he's straight up wrong.
casey seems to be in his grip stress. he's been burnt out long enough to become an unhealthy INFJ. explains why he's been indulging in stuff that, if he wants to believe is so important to his relationships with people, is the last thing he'd care about doing (or would not be a priority). why would an Se-dom think so much about the world through an Ni lens? it's not just using his inferior Ni—dude is doing it all the time. he keeps trying to predict my behavior but falls short every time—more evidence pointing towards grip stress. he hasn't been thinking as a healthy ESTP but rather as an unhealthy INFJ.
ESTP grip also entails having fear about the future. he got himself in such a panic the first time he broke up with me because he suddenly couldn't see a future for us. he,, couldn't see a future after several years of being together? despite neither of us fundamentally changing as people? doesn't make sense.
this goes back to the real problem with our relationship: he was a selfish partner. he didn't love me enough to try. did he ever truly love me at all then? he wasn't a fully committed partner if he couldn't be bothered to try to find a balance for both of our needs to be met. he can argue against this, but he couldn't be bothered to put in the effort for me for more than a couple times before going back to only focusing on what he wanted lol. this was after we both put in the effort to keep things mutual to make sure that i was getting what i deserved. the whole reason we made a compromise. casey hated that it was transactional, but it was an effort to compromise to get both our needs met. damn 💀 it was so we could BOTH get want we wanted and BOTH be happy. that is by no means a bad thing. it was a small sacrifice for the betterment of our relationship. hell, it wasn't even a sacrifice. it was effort for something he should've wanted for me as my partner.
casey knows i'd gladly do what makes him happy, but he'd only give me a sliver of what i gave him. i've still been doing what i can. i show him his love language. i'm reminding him i've always cared about what he wants, and i'll happily do it. i'm happy when he's happy.
i get the feeling based on recent stuff that casey maybe thinks i never prioritize myself or always put him above myself, which is borderline offensive 😭 just because i try to provide for other people doesn't mean i think i'm some martyr. fuck that. i love doing shit for myself. he seems to have forgotten that.
ofc as a partner, i was always there for him when he needed me, and i provided a shoulder to lean on, but when you're a couple, you do spend time together and make sacrifices for each other. i love time with him. he knows i value quality time. that has never meant that i don't have a life outside of him. it's obvious, but it bothers me that casey kinda seems to think otherwise. i've always indulged my own interests, just as he does his own.
feels like i can't open up to him about what's on my mind anymore. it's not that i don't trust him. i can tell by his tone that he gets kinda bothered/upset when i don't tell him things. ik i'd feel like shit trying to talk about it, and because a lot of it's revolved around how our dynamic is rn, he might check out and/or get weird about it because he's already done that. it hurts keeping everything to myself. that's a major reason why i'm writing these chapters.
going back to what i was saying before, how can he not believe we're compatible but compare us to so many pairings where the characters clearly have a dynamic based upon opposing temperaments? he liked to compare us to characters that were different but loved each other in spite of their differences (ironic considering the first ever pairing we claimed is literally based around them being different but making it work because they love each other). why's casey contradicting himself now 😭?
everything about what's happened feels like some huge joke on me. i believe someone when they tell me they'd always love me. i believe them for almost four years until they changed their mind because they didn't want to pull their weight. for almost four years, i had something that made me feel happy about living despite my depression. the last thing i ever wanted was to die. what a cruel thing to make me feel like it's my fault they couldn't be bothered to pull their weight. what a cruel thing for the two people i've had a serious relationship with make me feel like their shortcomings were my fault. what a cruel thing for casey to know how gwynn broke up with me—know how it was sprung onto me without warning but reassured me "nothing would change, just the label"–and put me through the same thing twice.
i'm convinced i'm just unlovable. it's majorly gwynn and casey's fault our respective relationships ended, but at the end of both, they told me they couldn't love me anymore. what an awful thing to have happen. TWICE. the only two times you've had a serious relationship, you get told you aren't loved anymore. how do two very different people have the same specific thing happen like that without it being something wrong with you personally?
casey had the audacity to make me feel like i was worthy of being loved once. i have no reason to believe it now or when he made me feel it then.
crazy how a lot of the trauma i have is based around the fact that i felt unloved when i was a kid and coped by seeking it out online by trying to force people to like me. i've changed so much since i was a kid and became a much better person, moving on from the toxic mindset i had.
so when i say now that casey's actions have ruined me, i mean it. i spent so much time devoted to him. he's the only person i'd ever believe without a doubt the things he said about me. so when he lied to me. when he solidified what gwynn did to me. when he solidified how i felt throughout my whole childhood. he ruined the self-acceptance i worked to create. he ruined what made life worth living to me. he ruined my happiness.
i'm in such a bad mental state that's beyond any kind of repair i can do. i can't do much of anything anymore. it does get easier on some days. however, i'm ruining my future because i can't care enough to keep it now. all the work i've been putting into my dream job will be for nothing because i'm failing. my GPA won't be good enough to get into a master's program.
i'm not saying that it's on casey to fix these things for me, but his actions had severe consequences for me that i can't do anything about on my own because it's far too deep. i'm helpless. hopeless, even. all because i'm undeserving of love.
i feel like there's something else i forgot to bring up, but i've listed all the major things i've been patiently putting up with.
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【 2:09AM, december 1st, 2023 】
