this is a vent chapter. this is very personal to me and talks about what i've been going through and dealing with since i got broken up with.
TW: s*icidial ideation, SH
this is the worst i've felt mentally/emotionally in, like, 4 years. i've only had one other serious relationship in the past that caused me so much emotional pain, and my mindset was still negatively affected by it when my relationship with casey began.
i'm not gonna talk about every aspect of what's happened and how i've been dealing with things. this is to help me process while having a place to write out my thoughts.
it was technically 2 breakups. the first one was very sudden—i was blindsided by how casey's feelings towards me seemed to suddenly change and be extreme. he wasn't talking as if it was himself. he validated this a couple days later when he acted like everything was normal, and we were back together again.
he later broke down while we were hanging out to tell me he was having doubts again, but he wanted to ride things out and see what happened. we eventually had a conversation about what would happen even if things didn't work out. he kept talking about having solace in us still being best friends. i knew in my heart from the way he talked about it that he was already knew he wasn't gonna keep riding it out, even if he didn't know it at the time.
whaddya know, he later broke up with me again. he said he was miserable trying to make it work. he was straightforward about him losing feelings for me. ofc hearing that sucked ass, but it was made worse by the fact that he promised me in the past that he'd only break up with me if i cheated on him. i thought that was weird for it being his only boundary, but he's the only person that could tell me that, and i knew i could believe him. i knew he meant it when he said it. yet, i still couldn't help but feel betrayed. he gave me vague reasons as to why he lost feelings. not only was i being broken up with, but i was being broken up with by someone that basically told me he never would, and i didn't even understand why he did it.
the feeling was never mutual. it still isn't, but after today, i do understand where he was coming from, and i understand my own emotions better.
dealing with it at first was,,, odd. idk what came over me, but i had the sudden urge to pray after the "official" breakup. mind you, i've always labeled myself as an atheist. why did i feel the need to pray to something i couldn't be sure was real?
although weird, it was probably the first time in my life that i chose a healthy way to cope with something that hurt me so badly.
it wasn't just praying for my desires. i was spending about 20 minutes minimum talking to some unknown higher power about how i was feeling and trying to sort through my thoughts. i found comfort in being able to be so vulnerable with someone, and i didn't have to worry about being judged. it sure was a big deal for me. i've always detested being upfront about things that bother me, so i keep that stuff to myself a lot. i had online friends reaching out to me offering themselves for me to vent to, but i knew i wouldn't be able to fully talk about everything i wanted to.
i'll admit that not all of my coping has been good. i used a cheap razor i bought online a couple years ago to cut myself. i tried not to be obvious about it, so i cut myself in different places and without the cuts being uniform. i was able to hide them with my clothes. cut myself on my upper left arm, twice on my upper right arm, and on my right leg. it was a cry for help. i didn't want to be in pain, but i wanted to be able to convey how bad i was feeling without having to say it out loud. really awful way to deal with it, and it's reflective of the mindset i learned growing up that i didn't think was as bad now until i had to deal with something that made me feel strong negative emotions.
