unlike the rest of this breakup series, i won't be dwelling on the aftermath of the breakup or the current dynamic between me and casey much. i'll be reminiscing about our relationship and processing the grief of my loss.
—
it's crazy to me how everything started with casey. it was all so perfect. up until then, i didn't believe in something like this being possible. it was as if some divine being willed everything to fit like a puzzle.
back in early 2020, i was recovering from my breakup with gwynn. we had finally rekindled our friendship after he ghosted me for two months.
my memory's fuzzy, so i can't really remember what suddenly clicked in me, but after casey randomly asked me a question in our english class, i had a newfound crush on him. it seemingly came from nowhere.
if i'm being honest, i didn't think much about him prior. i only knew a few things about him and only heard him talk a few times outside of class presentations. i knew him mostly as being jack's best friend since i saw them together since day one of high school. i thought he was the funniest guy in our class behind gwynn (he's definitely ranked above gwynn now lol).
casey became my hyperfixation. i couldn't stop thinking about him. i paid attention to when he talked and his mannerisms. i realized how cute he is and how his appearance changed since freshman year.
luckily, we sat next to each other in theology too. i'd get so nervous in that class that all my muscles would tense up to the point that i couldn't move around. i even had a panic attack over him once while we were taking a test.
ik that every time before this point in my life, i was incapable of taking any sort of real action to further my relationship with someone i liked. being so anxious around casey didn't help. however, i pulled through once and added him on snapchat (sure as fuck though, i was anxious and overthinking it). casey added me back.
i saw him upload some things on his story. i got an idea of his sense of humor since he posted memes and other silly stuff on it. i never posted on my snapchat story until i made a couple posts to get casey's attention, and that's the last time i've ever posted on my snapchat story. i did,, a lot of overthinking. i collected a bunch of memes and decided on ones to share that i hoped he'd find funny. i waited all day to see if he'd look at it, and he'd always look right before the story would go away.
there was one thing casey posted on his story that later became useful when i had my first real conversation with him. he shared a video of him learning "lone digger" by caravan palace on the piano. i've known that song for years and loved it. it was awesome he knew the song and was learning it.
because of the hyperfixation, casey became my muse. i doodled him several times. i even listened to music that made me think of him. i wrote about him on here. a lot. jester and eli can vouch for that. i've unpublished my old journals, but there's proof i was crushin' hard on casey. i'd write about things i learned about him, or what i noticed about him, or the interactions i had with him.
what i'm about to talk about is the most pivotal part of how we came to be friends and, eventually, partners. it's one of the things that makes me feel deep down that we were somehow meant to be together.
during the second semester of junior year, our school made us go on an overnight retreat. we went to a catholic school, and they had junior and senior retreat every year. i didn't think the retreat itself was bad—mostly, it was group sessions and busywork over personal things about ourselves.
everyone was put into a group of at least 5 people. i didn't end up in the same group as casey, but his group sat next to mine, and i had a direct view of him.
