a thought randomly came to me the other day, and now, i find myself mentally preparing for it.
i feel almost unable to move on from this. from casey. the one opportunity i felt i had isn't available. i'm stuck fixating on my romantic feelings toward casey. he has since moved on from me romantically.
there will come a time where he moves on, and i think he'll eventually feel like he should tell me when he does. assuming there's a chance i'll be alive when it happens (lol), i won't be able to handle it. it'll send me over the edge. i won't be able to be around him anymore because the pain will be beyond unbearable.
i'll have to cut him out of my life. not permanently but for some indeterminable amount of time. months. maybe even a year. who knows?
for a while, i'll have to lose my best friend for my own sake. it's an awful consequence of everything, but i'll have to put myself first. i'll need to give myself time to emotionally accept it, be in a better spot, and be able to interact with him again without being hurt (or as hurt, who knows how i'd end up being whenever the time comes).
i have no idea if/when that time will come. it could possibly come next year, which makes me glad that i didn't work with him to fit our schedules together. atp, i'm hoping he doesn't pick any of the same class times as me just so i can enact my plan of no contact if/when it has to happen.
what's even worse is i'll have to abandon my friend group as well. temporarily but. for as long as it takes me to be in a better spot to talk to casey. we're in the same friend group. we always have discord calls together and meet up at the same time and place every week as a group. i won't be able to go if he's there.
i'll have to block him on all the major sites we use to talk to each other so i don't see messages from him. i wouldn't mind him writing stuff to me in that time, but i don't wanna see it until i recover.
the first step will be deleting skype altogether. i only use it to talk to him and a couple other of our friends. it's the primary platform we use to talk, so if i just delete and uninstall it, he can still send me messages, but i won't see them until i'm ready to talk to him again.
the second step will be to block his instagram accounts. we communicate over instagram just to send posts to each other (we've used it for other stuff but very rarely). i need to be able to use instagram to communicate with my online friends and post my art. it'll be hard to block all my friends on my personal account though. i'll probably just delete the login save to make things easier for me.
the third step is to delete snapchat. i really only use it to keep up streaks with him and kyra.
the fourth step will be the hardest. i'll have to leave our group server and personally block all of my friends because i want to keep using discord to talk to other friends. if i'm right, discord allows you to keep messaging people even if you're blocked? but i won't be able to see until i unblock them.
the fifth step is to block him on twitter. i think this is the last major platform i have to worry about.
the sixth step is to block him on less important platforms: steam and roblox. i don't want to have to see when he's online or playing stuff.
the seventh step is what i'm still debating: blocking his number or not. i want to keep it open because it's the easiest form of communication if there's something really important he needs to talk to me about. what i think i'll do is keep it unblocked. if he attempts to talk/call me without it being something important, then i'll block his number.
i'm not blocking him on everything possible. i've left several avenues open in case he needs to talk to me. he could also easily create an alt account on any platform i block him on. hell, he knows my address. he can send me snail mail. and, while i don't think he will, he could always pop by my house.
the point of all this is to separate myself from him. i won't have to be reminded of his existence to give myself the break i need to move on.
i've got plenty of cardboard boxes at my house. i'll have to pack up all the reminders i have of him and find somewhere to store them.
it's gonna suck having to send him a (again, temporary) goodbye message. i won't wait around for a response. i'll also send one to kyra and matt since they're my other closest friends in the group, and ik matt will talk to the others about me not being around for a while.
it's sad i'll have to force myself to experience another pain (social isolation) in an attempt to heal from an even worse pain (breakup). but i gotta do it ig. i'm hoping i can use the time to do more self care and focus on other friendships i have outside of my friend group. i have a hard time making friends irl if they don't approach me first. i'll likely stick to favoring my online friendships and the potential friend group i've recently been invited to take part in.
i'll be losing my workout buddy :( i hate the idea of working out around a bunch of strangers. might end up doing crossfit with my parents since they're coaches or cleaning up the garage to have room to workout.
ig the one minor positive outcome of this for our friendship is that casey'll have a whole backlog of memes to show me when we meet again someday lol. he loves to show me them in person to see my reaction.
i haven't tried praying in a minute, but when the time comes, i'll try to remember to pray for his happiness while i'm gone.
feel like there was something else i was gonna talk about but. idk. that's it for now.
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【 7:02PM, november 26th, 2023 】
