choice (sdv)

part 11: rain

i'd been lost in thought, and clearly for a while, because when i'd looked over at sam, (after i'd realized that i had sort of stopped talking to him mid conversation) he'd been resting his chin on my shoulder, hugging his knees, asleep.

i wasn't really feeling the music choice anymore, i really dabbled in every music taste, and after the video game osts, i was whole heartedly feeling metal, but i also really didn't wanna play something too much, and wake him up.

i looked out my window, rain still poured from the sky. i thought of sam while drops rolled down my window, and figured that i'd think that for a while.

rain was pretty abrupt, it can be predicted, but the prediction isn't always accurate. rain is peaceful, but fairly disorganized.

while i made that comparison, i also thought of sebastian like a raincloud.

when most people see one, it's an immediate groan. most people don't like rain. everything that comes with a raincloud is dark. gloom envelops any area that's surrounded by them.

but in the circumstance that someone that loves rain sees a raincloud, it's a small smile. a sad smile, but it still manages to break out across their face. some people love rain.

i didn't know abigail all too well, but i looked over at her, her head rested against the window. she struggled to keep her eyes open, headphones in.

the aftermath. i smiled to myself. people can hate the rain, people can hate the rain all they'd like, but after the rain, after the rain is when everyone could come together in a way.

people that loved rain, they can appreciate the beauty after it rains, and the people that hate it, they can come to live with a sign of hope, when nature sends a rainbow.

nature sends a rainbow to let everyone know, or at least that's what i'd like to believe, to let them know that in everything, gloomy and dark, or peaceful and beautiful, theres always a positive outcome.

i rested my own head against the window, trying not to move too much. i tapped around on my phone, trying to find a song that wasn't too extreme as to not wake sam up, given that he had to have a headphone.

i turned on a playlist.

i turned on a playlist that thorne and i made.

spotify still had his account as a collaborator.

🎧OUR PLAYLIST 🎧
[your spotify] and thorne 🥀

i pressed that green button for the first time since i sobbed to it while begging myself to wake up.

the boy who blocked his own shot played.

i begged myself to wake up from this nightmare, i wished i could've woken up and laughed with him, "i had a dream you literally died last night!!"

he'd respond, "whatt??! you need to start having better dreams, baby!" and we could've laughed about it.

that's what was supposed to happen.

i wasn't supposed to attend his funeral.

i wasn't supposed to read his suicide note.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

it wasn't fair.

and if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again, you can tell me how vile i already know that know i am.

i sighed a little. i knew that i should've deleted the playlist, i should've done a lot of things, really.

and i'll grow old, start acting my age, it'd be a brand new day, in a life that you hate.
a crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone, and it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone.

i should've opened my eyes. i could've seen the signs if only i'd known to look for them. i should've been around more for him, i was always fucking working, nonstop, and he needed me, and i wasn't there.

and if it makes you less sad, i'll take your pictures all down, every picture you paint, i will paint myself out.

i had been angry at thorne for a moment, all i had wanted to do was slap the shit out of him for leaving me.

i thought that for a while, but deep down, i knew that back then, and now, if i even got the chance to see him again, i wouldn't let death take him again. i wouldn't have let him go.

i would've cried in his shoulder, he would've smiled a sad smile, and probably cry too.

so call it quits, or get a grip, you say you wanted a solution; you just wanted to be missed.

he would've loved to live in pelican town, and i wished that i would have known about it prior, because this is what he would've needed.

everyone here was so friendly, and they would've liked him, he was literally the perfect person to fit into every little friend group.

i looked back over from my lap, which i had been fiddling my hands on, and lightly scratching at my beat up jeans.

i caught sebastian's eye, who seemed to be the only person awake out of the four of us. he furrowed his eyebrows a little, before mouthing, 'you good?'

i wiped my eye from the inner corner, as to not fuck up the makeup i had on, a good amount of tears were on my finger that i hadn't known had been forming.

you're so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins, holding onto yourself the best you can. you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

you call me a safe bet, im betting i'm not.
i'm glad that you can forgive,
only hoping as time goes,
you can forget.

i smiled at him, but a tear ran down the other side of my face anyway. he looked towards the front of the bus, and looked back. he smiled a little, and then threw up a three, followed by a seven.

"thirty seven minutes left," is what he mouthed after. "stay-" anything after that was looking a whole lot like a foreign language.

he just gave me a, "tell you later." look, which i was okay with. i leaned further into the glass, and slumped a little.

i miss you.

—————————————————————————-
i wrote this chapter over the span of like a month lmfao
if shit doesn't make sense drop me a comment  where, i'll fix it lol.

the motivation to write was NOT present, but yk.
we pushed through xx

as well as listening to the song i put in the chapter, after brand new, muse played with supermassive black hole, which made me giggle a little irl.

i probably could've thrown a tw in there, but oh well, i can't really imagine this being very sensitive to someone in the first place.

anyways it's five thirty in the morning i'm going back to sleep ily

STREAM SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE BY MUSE

1046 words without end message
1169 words with it <3

ilyyy

-goose