DIARY OF A DEPRESSED KID

PART SIX

I am here again.

P.S. this was sent by an anonymous reader.

I was fine years old when I lost my mom. My younger sister was just three years old. Though I was a kid, something in me died. My dad and siblings would lie that mom travelled because we were too young and the lie stuck to me. I couldn't even fathom what she looked like or the memories I had with her. Funnily, my brain decided to betray me at that moment.

The loss was heart wrecking because at that age, I remembered the day she was buried. I didn't shed a tear. Something in my heart got ripped off.

It was just my dad and five children before my maternal grandmother decided to live with us so that she could take care of us. Everyone felt the loss.

Teachers at my new school would ask me where my mom was, I would say, "my mom has travelled". They believed me and it became easier to lie, I didn't receive any pity or fake care. The students in my class would talk about the foods their mom cooked or tell stories about their mom and I knew I would not be able to experience those but it always left an ache in my heart. There were nights that I would quietly cry myself to sleep, dream about my mom alive but it never happened.

My grandma was a kind woman. I love her so much. Normally, I was a quiet girl but after my mom died, I became cold. I hated everyone, I hated their hands on me, I didn't feel any emotion when I witness their loss or pain. I was numb because I had felt it before.

Then my dad decided to get married again. My sister and I didn't know, only my older siblings, my dad and my grandma knew. I couldn't imagine a day where I would be separated from my grandma. It was another loss to me. I was only ten. I didn't understand why he needed another wife. Wasn't grandma enough? Wasn't he happy?
I was angry and I had no where to pour it out to. I kept it inside my heart. I wish I could tell someone about it.

We moved to our new house and I could not live with my grandma again. Now it's eight years since I have seen my grandma. Though my siblings have visited her maybe thrice, I refused to go by giving silly excuses.

I feel so guilty that I had to leave her behind. That's what my heart feels. I want her to be angry at us. But I still love her and I am scared to visit her. I tell myself everyone leaves, they don't stay so I shouldn't get attached. Now I have separation anxiety and I cannot commit to a relationship.

My fears are holding me back. She is really old, what if I don't get to see her before she leaves this world? Different what if floats my mind and I pray I find the courage to visit her. I am sure she will gladly open out her arms for me.

Now that I am 18, I was eavesdropping on my oldest sister and dads conversation when I learnt that my mom died while giving birth. They didn't make it. I also learnt that when she found out she was pregnancy, she was scared. She was scared of what people would say if they learnt that she was pregnant when she already had five children. Though it was unplanned, she didn't give up. She was a strong woman and I admire her a lot.
Funny, how death comes knocking when we least expect it.

Anyway,. I think everything happens for a reason.

P.S. this was sent by an anonymous reader.

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