I adored you Madly, Extravagantly, Absurdly.

Chapter 24

"Camille, my love, my soul, are you mad?" Teleny 106

Remus is standing in the library by James' desk, reviewing the week's correspondence with him. Lord Regulus is sitting on the couch and writing a stack of letters.

"Lupin, please see to these being mailed as soon as possible. I want Dorcas to know we are coming."

"Of course, my Lord."

"Are you writing to Lily, too?" James asks. "Invite her to Gryffindor House?"

"Yes," Regulus sighs. "And Sirius. He said, should we come to London and open the house, he will stay with us."

"Sirius is in London?" Remus asks before he can stop himself.

"Oui," Lord Regulus says absentmindedly and folds his letter.

Remus has considered accompanying James to London. He thought it might be good for him. He thought a lot about what James said to him about being happy.

James talks like Remus makes the conscious choice not to be happy. It is madness. It is the stupidest thing Remus has ever heard. Who would choose to be miserable? Who would take measures to deny themselves their own happiness?

Then he lay in bed in the new room he took and thought... maybe it wasn't as far from the truth as he would like.

'I'll be happy,' he thought to himself while tossing and turning in the bed. The book of French poetry was hard underneath his pillow. 'I'll be happy again. I will see the good sides of life and stop being cynical and hateful.'

The promise he made to himself lasted until the first light. He stood up and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The scars across his face, shoulders, and chest looked puckered and red. Maybe his eyes deceived him – it doesn't matter. He came back to his senses as soon as he passed the mirror. Why is being mindlessly happy the goal? There is nothing to be happy about. Life isn't great.

Remus had a throbbing headache before even sitting down for breakfast. He hit a wall until his knuckles were left bloody. James asked him about it earlier and accepted it when Remus said it was an accident.

Every time anyone has mentioned London the past few days, images kept forcing their way into Remus's head – Fenrir's face, Lord' Riddles townhouse, kissing in the rain, a court and an ugly-nosed judge, winter-strolls with Sirius, an older-looking Fenrir, and Sirius towering above him in the middle of the night. He tastes bile when he hears the name of the cursed place.

He used to love the city. When he was a boy and came here from his little impoverished Welsh town, he was amazed by the bustling crowds, the pretty women with their pretty dresses, and the never-ending flow of people.

"London" used to create a feeling of excitement and a thirst for life inside of him.

Remus barely remembers the sensation.

What was it like? The innocent happiness unbridled by the woes of adulthood and heartbreak. He cannot remember.

Does he not want to be happy?

When was the last time Remus was happy? Years have passed since then, leaving him a shadow of a man cast by a naive little boy.

He has searched long in his mind for a semblance of that happiness – or of joy if happiness was to be lost to him. He couldn't find it. Even the kindness James showed him at his darkest hour was drowned in the cruelty of the world. He cannot find it in himself to appreciate the gesture of a good and noble heart, for it only serves as a reminder of the year at Reading and the court that left him in need of the man's pity.