A Cruel Summer

Chapter 12

The air thick with the silence enveloping Taylor's living room. Unable to handle the tension any longer, both girls break at the same moment.

An "I'm sorry for what Josh said last night," and a "Do you ever think about us?" were spoken at the same time.

"What?"

"What?"

"You first, Tay," Karlie offers with a small smile, allowing the blonde to drive Karlie's carefully crafted plan for this conversation off course.

Taylor sighs and looks down at her lap, "I said, do you ever think about us? You know, the old us. Before all of this shit that happened."

Karlie's gaze softens at Taylor's question. Her mind flashes back to that time in an instant. The laughs. The inside jokes. The long nights tangled in sheets and quiet mornings spent sipping coffee, cuddling in bed. The day they drove 6 hours roundtrip to pick out Olivia and the time the power went out, so they spent the night in a homemade blanket fort in the living room. The game night when Taylor got so frustrated she flipped the Monopoly board, sending Karlie into a fit of laughter. The impromptu dance parties, the 'just because' hugs, the undeniable moments of pure joy that defined their relationship in its purest form. It all comes rushing to the forefront of her mind.

"Of course, I do," she confesses, "more than I would like to admit."

Taylor nods as she turns her head to stare blankly at the wall next to her, her brows furrowed, her lips slightly pursed, her fingers tapping against the armrest of the couch. Karlie recognizes the look. She is thinking deeply. Taylor wears the same expression on her face when she's writing a song, stuck, trying to find the right words.

Turning back to her, Taylor asks "Do you ever miss it?"

"I, um –," Karlie hesitates. This is getting off track far too quickly. "Yeah, Tay. I do miss it, sometimes."

Taylor simply nods, returning her gaze to its prior position on the wall.

As the silence returns to the room, Karlie can't help herself. She needs to know, too.

"Do you? Ever miss it?"

Taylor's eyes shift back to Karlie, her face expressionless.

"Every day," she says simply. Matter-of-factly. Not a shred of doubt or insincerity to be found in her voice.

Karlie nods at Taylor's revelation and looks down to her hands, twisting her wedding band.

Neither girl speaks for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts.

"So, um –," Karlie begins, "I wanted to come here to talk to you, to firstly apologize for last night. Josh was completely out of line. The things he said to you were harsh, exaggerated. And you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry," she pauses to take a breath in, "and to secondly ask you for permission to – to, um, – to tell him about us. You know, what happened between us, back then. It's just that it's your story, too, and it doesn't feel right to share it without your blessing."

Taylor turns to her, her brows creased in confusion, "Why? Why now, I mean. Why do you suddenly want to tell him, after all this time?"

Karlie shifts in her seat, her eyes fixed on Taylor's.

"Because I'm leaving him, Tay. I'm going to tell him I want a divorce when he gets back from his business trip. And I think he deserves to know why. Every reason why. And one of those reasons is that I haven't been able to give my whole heart to him. Ever since the day I met you."

As tears begin to fill Karlie's eyes, she attempts to steady her breathing before continuing, "Which leads to the third reason I needed to talk to you today. I need to find myself again, Tay. I'm lost, I've been lost. I need to figure myself out, what I want, for me and for my kids," she sighs, "And in order to do that, I need to finally let go of my past. Of our past. I – I need to let go of you."