And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 32 Take a bullet for you)

|three days later|

Sam gave bucky a camera not just a day ago to take photos or even videos, well, that's what bucky told Sam. He told him that he wanted it so while they were in the hospital they could take pictures and videos of each other to just make the moment good while they could, so they could make silly photos and videos, even ones where they would laugh at it until their heads would almost explode off their shoulders. That was bucky's excuse, a simple one that Sam fell for which mostly anyone would. It was honestly a good lie, better than any other time bucky's basically lied, in a long time. Sam gave him the camera and they did indeed take a lot of pictures, some goofy faces, funny short videos that they got good laughs at. It was good, bucky was glad that even after a day, he had about twelve pictures of him and Sam and about three four videos with Sam. Bucky thought they were just hilarious. Sam did too. Sam went out an hour ago and decided on going out to get some food, so they didn't need to have hospital food anymore and actually have some regular food, even if that was a chocolate bar, better than the food they were getting fed.

Sam got all sorts of things, chips, Candy bars, water, Gatorades, protein bars, etc. He made sure to get a lot of healthy things though, like vitamins and such. He looked around more in the store to see if there was possibly anything else that he needed, and when he reached the clothes aisle, he couldn't resist, he had to buy bucky's some clothes so he could get comfortable and not in any hospital clothes that they gave him which were very uncomfortable. He got him a few shirts that were black and grey and some sweat pants that were grey and black. He knew bucky loved those colors so he stuck with it and carried them to self checkout to pay for his stuff.

Bucky sat on the bed and took a big deep breath, the overwhelming feeling of unsureness running over him like a flash of light. It was hard for him to really think straight if this was something that he really wanted to do, maybe he was just overreacting and he was being childish somehow, maybe even being a bit over dramatic. He didn't really know where to start, what to say when he records this video. He wanted to say so much, so many things but he knew it would take hours before he would finish the video, and he knew Sam would be back in the next hour or so so he didn't want to make it quick but at the same time he didn't want Sam catching him recording himself so he felt a bit forced to make the video quicker than he anticipated, but that was okay, he still had enough time to explain what he wanted to explain and even say. He looked down at the camera in his hands, rolling it around in his palms as he thought.

'what if something does happen to me though' bucky thought over and over. It seemed like it was the only thought that ran through his broken down mind. His walls were caving in more each day, hell, even each second and it was worrying bucky that he might just end up being lifeless on the bed any day now. Was he still in pain, yesterday, a hundred percent, worse than he was before, Sam even noticed and it started to worry him just as much as it was worrying bucky. A few times already while he sat on the bed and waited for Sam to come back as the camera was in his two hands, he actually felt like his body would become limp all of a sudden like it didn't have the strength to stay up anymore. He shook his head to himself, feeling like a dork because he was about to make a video of himself. He hated how he looked on camera so he tried his best to not think about it and do what he was about to do. Even if he did end up crying. He needed to make this video now though before he overthinks too much.

He sighed deeply as he grabbed the pillow from his side and put it in front of him, sitting it down and patting it flat a bit so the camera could face him and so that he could record himself. He did once again, looking down at the camera in his hands and he finally, finally fought himself after fifteen minutes of overthinking and placed it on the pillow and faced it towards him. He knew he was going to look like a goof ball in the video due to his outfit, I mean it was a light blue gown that was very uncomfortable. He started to chew his bottom lip, ripping the dead skin off of his lip. He really hated the habit sometimes but it helped him here and there when he was nervous. His hand shook just the slightest, his heart patted against his chest quickly but shrugged it off as soon as he pressed the start video button that was placed on the side of the camera. He didn't know what to do for a moment, he leaned back and just looked at the camera for about seven seconds which seemed like forever for him. His thoughts raced for what he wanted to say first, like going into a library and trying to find what book you want to read.