And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 11 The urge)

As bucky and Sam were done hugging each other, rocking both back and forth slowly. Sam and bucky walked down the stairs, bucky was the one behind him due to his slow walking when it came to some mornings. Bucky let his hand glide against the stair handrail while he soon reached the bottom of the stairs and started walking on the floor towards the kitchen. The kids and Sarah weren't up just yet, but Sam thought that bucky probably needed some quiet time since he hadn't really had time to himself because the kids would want to hang out with him a lot. He thought it was a good idea to just let him have an hour or so of peace before getting started with the day. Sam started the coffee pot, it slowly brewing. The sound of the coffee dripping into the pot in the morning always have him a comfortable vibe that he just couldn't get over. Bucky went over to the island and sat down on the stool.

He looked at Sam that picked up his phone which it seemed like he was texting someone by chance, for some odd reason he felt a ping of jealousy sworn through him. Why? Why did he just all of a second feel this way, he might just be texting one of his friends that he's close with it a buddy. 'What if it's a girl' bucky thought 'shit wait what if it was!' his gut felt like it got twisted into double knots. Why was he feeling like this, he wasn't sure but he knew it was probably because he was afraid Sam would be chance like someone that he was talking to and want to be with them, but he didn't want that to ever happen, he didn't want Sam to be with someone, he wanted to be with him but how, how was he ever going to tell Sam how he really felt. He had a bad feeling Sam didn't feel the same towards him, but something in him told him otherwise. He wanted to ask him who he was possibly texting, maybe he would tell him who it was, but he didn't want to invade his privacy so he continued to look at Sam for a good long moment. Sam felt bucky staring at him, eyes burning right at him and he felt his cheeks slightly heat up from it. He was texting one of his friends from the bar down the road telling them that if it was okay if they helped him out with the boat out back, but before he even sent the text, he re-read the text over, thinking that maybe bucky would like to help, it would get him out of the house for a bit.

Sam deleted the text, clicking off of contacts and shutting his phone off, soon placing it in the island beside him where bucky sat. He seen bucky then look down at his plate in the corner of his eye, he didn't want to stare at him, he knew he hated that. Sam found it funny though that bucky hated when people stared at him but he would stare into you god-damned soul if he wanted to and you would have to be okay with it. It made him laugh inside all the time. Bucky didn't know if he was even in the mood to eat, he felt sick even looking at it, knowing it was full of calories and such. It's funny how some days he doesn't care less on how many calories are in a meal, but today, he didn't even like the thought of food, it made his stomach turn. Sam watched the coffee pot as it was almost done filling up, he then turned to look at bucky but to only see him staring at it. He's seen bucky do the plenty of times for this month and it made him feel really bad for him, he honestly wondered how much he really ate when he was living by himself at the time. It was hard getting him to eat sometimes, he was really stubborn so it difficult at times. He watched him for a few more seconds but it just seemed like he was staring off into space now, breathing very slowly like like he was concentrating on something, but he wasn't looking at the floor or anything, he was actually looking off to his left at the island, Sam was about to look where he was currently looking until. "BEEEP!" the coffee pot beep letting him know it was done. He sighed deeply, turning around, grabbing a cup and the pot, pouring the liquid in the cup.

Bucky wasn't sure if he even was up for coffee, he didn't know why today was like this, like he was bummed out by almost everything, he just hopes that this is for just today and it's just a simple mood he's in and he'll go back to being semi-normal tomorrow. He didn't feel exactly 'happy' or 'annoyed' but he lately hasn't really been down feeling or anything, but today was different. Maybe it was because of the nightmare he had last night or because he was exhausted from not sleeping. He definitely wasn't doing okay though, he was the total opposite from okay anymore. He mentally was so exhausted, thinking about his nightmares and what he did as the winter soldier, or the lake of sleep he deal's with every night. The thoughts of Sam not liking him back and not wanting to be with him if he wanted to tell Sam if they could possibly be together. The anger he keeps back when he almost lashes out at someone. The feeling of wanting to just be in control again with his mind. He wasn't even sure if he could control himself with the nightmares, the ones that would say those words that would trigger him. The nights he would cry himself to sleep, or cry to himself all night until he couldn't anymore.