The Keeper

Dean's Apology

Dear M

I'm sorry about everything. Miss Staverly told us about Joan. I know she was a good friend of yours and it must have been a shock to lose her.

I'm also sorry if I startled you the other day. It's none of my business, but I was surprised to see you with that boy and I shouldn't be. He looks like a nice lad, and I hope he makes you happy.

Finally, I wanted to apologise for my reaction to your last letter. You probably don't remember, but you wrote about my wife and me. It hurt me because everything you wrote is true. I've spent half my life trying to make up for something that I can never undo, something that is so terrible nothing will ever make it right. It's only fair that I should tell you the thing that happened that changed my life. It doesn't excuse how I behaved, but it might explain it.

When I was eighteen, I had just passed my driving test and took my brother Mike out the next Friday night. He was only fifteen, but we went to the pub for a drink. I wasn't over the limit, but I had a beer and I wasn't as focused on the road as I should've been. It was a winding road home and I must have drifted over the centre line when a van came around the corner. I swerved too far in, lost control of the car and went off the road. The car hit a tree, and I bashed my head on the steering wheel. It may only have been a few seconds, but I blacked out for a while. When I came to, I looked at my brother and he was in a bad way. I can't describe the scene, but it was horrible. The van driver had continued on (maybe he was unaware of what I did – the road was all blind corners at that point). I had to run back to the pub to call 999. By the time someone took me back to the crash site, the ambulance was there, but it was too late for Mike. I killed him and I can never bring him back. It ruined my life and I've been trying to make up for it ever since.

I never wanted to hurt anyone again, but I did, and not a single thing I've done since has fixed it. There's nothing I can do to make things right with my wife, but I can make things right with you.

Thank you for your insight and openness, which has helped me seek a better course in my life. Please don't reply to this letter, as I won't be checking the Post. There's no need for your kindness. I have a hard road ahead, but it's mine to travel alone.

Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. If I'd had a girlfriend like you at seventeen, it would have stopped me from getting into the mess I'm in, I imagine. Well, you never know what might have happened, but you have been a good influence on me in these times. I think the world of you and want nothing more than your happiness and success. You've found someone you can share adventures with and that's fantastic.

Now I will leave you to your personal life. No more letters, no more interference, only my heartfelt apology.

D