The Keeper

Making the Right Decisions

Dear M

I didn't know why she wanted me to be a father to her child. I still don't. Whatever the reason, it was her decision to make, to keep the baby. I couldn't argue with that. I had taken the risk and now I had to face up to my responsibility and do the right thing. We got married at a registry office with her friend and Robert as witnesses. Robert had broken up with Kristina's friend about a month before, so to say that things were awkward was an understatement. He tried to talk me out of marrying Kristina 'for all the wrong reasons', but really there was only one reason and that was I had made her pregnant. She was having the baby, and I had to deal with the consequences. That didn't mean I had to be happy about it though, and that wasn't a good way to start a marriage. I didn't invite my parents to the wedding, plus we weren't going to waste the money we needed on any kind of party afterwards. We went to the pub, had one drink, and then Kristina and I went back to the one-bedroom flat I was renting through the summer.

She wanted me to work with her father, who has a building surveying company. I could've worked my way up from over-paid office work to be his right-hand man, she said. That's what she had envisioned for her husband, but I didn't share that vision. I wanted to keep what little independence I had.

I started a teacher training course and kept working on building sites to help pay the bills. We stayed in the tiny flat as Kristina got bigger and bigger. I tried to make the best of the situation, but it didn't seem to matter what I did; we had rows all the time. It was a freezing cold day in the new year when we'd had a particularly nasty argument about where we were going to live (Kristina wanted to move closer to her parents in Surrey) when she stormed out and slipped down the icy pavement out front. That's when she lost the baby.

It was a terrible thing to happen. I felt guilty, because I was relieved I wouldn't become a father so soon, though it wasn't the way I wanted things to be resolved. Kristina was devastated. We couldn't talk about it without arguing and she kept saying there was no reason for me to stay now that she had 'got rid of the baby'. It was exactly how I felt, but I couldn't say that, with her being so vulnerable. She kept crying and lost her appetite to eat anything, do anything. She went to stay with her parents for about a month.

When she came back, she seemed so much better. She was eating normally again and had put on some weight. But we still argued, and when she said I'd be better off leaving her, I made the mistake of saying it would be better for us both. It was as if I had thrown a switch. She went into a deeper depression than before and I had to take time off work because I couldn't trust that she wouldn't hurt herself. Any time I tried to talk to her, she would either look as if she couldn't hear me, or start crying. I called her parents and they took her to see a counsellor. They all felt she needed to be somewhere new, somewhere we could start again. By the time I finished my teacher's training, it was all arranged. We moved to a housing estate in Penhir, where we live now. I was lucky (I guess) that there was a vacancy in the art department at the school, and so by the September of that year my new life as you know it began.

Robert is the only other person I've talked to about this. I'm not sure why I'm telling you so much, but I guess I want you to know that the decisions we make in life are important. I want you to make the right one, continue on the right path.

D